On Being Defined by Your Vagina

So often, on a corner of the internet somewhere, a MtF who wants to share in female oppression complains that women should not be “defined by their vaginas.” They lament that women speak as though we are one big giant walking vagina and that we could and should just quit thinking about our oh so unimportant nether regions.

The mistake that men, and thus “trans women,” make, is assuming that having a vagina is analogous to having a dick.

Having a dick is no big deal. Sometimes you stick it in something and it feels good, and that’s the end of the significance of having a dick. Having a dick is like having an elbow. To men, it doesn’t make any more sense to be defined by your dick than it does to be defined by your elbow.

The ability to see your sexual organ as a mere body part is a male privilege. Men are uniquely able to disassociate from their sex organs, their sex, and reproduction. Men are uniquely able to see sex organs as unrelated to social standing, their safety or even their likelihood of raising a child. The fact that men can’t tell that having a vagina is not analagous to having a dick shows a tremendous lack of imagination — in other words, people who don’t have vaginas don’t know what it’s like to have them. Imagine that. It’s almost as if men aren’t good representatives for what being a woman is all about.

Males are able to imagine, and do imagine, that penises and vaginas are both things you might perform sex on or with and little more. The fact that any male considers a “neovagina” to be even remotely similar to a vagina attests to that fact. The neovagina is nothing more than a sheath for a penis, and only a male person with male privilege thinks of a vagina as largely a dick holder.

It’s probably pretty hard for a male to imagine living with the responsibility of having a vagina. With the knowledge that if you’re not ever-vigiliant, 24/7 for the thirty years in which you are fertile, an entire human being might come out of your body and demand every resource you have or can acquire for the next twenty plus years. Yes, even infertile women, who generally don’t know they’re infertile until they try to have children. And yes, even sexually inactive women and lesbians, because rape exists and is common.

While men are failing to get their socks into the laundry hamper every week, most heterosexual women are remembering to take a pill on time every single day with life or death consequences if they fail. While men are skipping their physical for the third year in a row, women are scheduling and making it to the doctor’s visits that make acquiring that birth control possible. To say nothing of the tremendous responsibility a woman faces if she does conceive, carry, bear and raise a child.

Our vaginas bathe us in blood a quarter of the time, requiring our attention every hour, demanding of us care and laundry chores and expense of which males cannot dream. For many of us, endometriosis and fibroids and hemorrhaging and miscarriages and abortions and ablations and D&Cs and PCOS and UTIs and vulvodynia and vagismus and yeast infections and menopause are a concern.

What concerns do male reproductive organs bring? Cancer, which also happens to female reproductive organs, and everyone’s non-reproductive organs.

And because rape exists and is common, and largely happens to women, and has far greater consequences for female victims than for male victims, our vaginas limit our movement through the world. There are places and situations and hours of the evening in which we simply don’t go, or we watch our back and don’t have any fun when we do go, because those places and situations and hours of the evening are full of people who want to hurt us. They want to hurt us because we have vaginas. If they wanted to hurt us because we wear lipstick, then believe me, we’d sometimes wipe the lipstick off and get out there and enjoy all the sights and sounds that the world has to offer, any time of day or night. It’s easy for someone — a male — to imagine that oppression is about wearing lipstick, because wearing lipstick is the only part of “being a woman” he has experience with. And males hate to feel left out.

And then there’s all that other stuff. The being told we’re stupid and bad at math. The war against our health needs. The pathologizing of our personalities. The unequal pay and impaired access to certain clubs and careers and political positions. Our absence as characters in books and movies. The denial of ourselves as fully human.

The denial of our sexuality except in relation to whether it benefits men. The rigged system that punishes us no matter how we use our vaginas sexually, whether a little (prude), a lot (slut), or never (spinster). The ubiquitous and enthusiastic portrayal of our abuse, and the sexualization of it, in advertisements, in television shows, in porn. These are things that happen to people with vaginas. When we try to forget about them, someone reminds us that they make us vulnerable, that they make us lesser, that they make us unclean, that they make us stupid.

Oppression isn’t tied to male bodies. Oppression is tied to female bodies. It’s no wonder that males who can opt in or out of oppression don’t understand what it’s like to live in an oppressed body.

Even if we could quit thinking about our vaginas, other people, especially men, would continue to remind us, with every move we make, that we have them.

For men, the significance of a vagina lies in its use for fucking. For women, its role in fucking is the least of its significance.



Sacrificing Truth to avoid Confronting Power

“Queer theorists see the intimate connection between biological sex and oppression, and they react by dismantling the notion of biological sex; feminists see the intimate connection between biological sex and oppression, and they react by dismantling oppression. That’s the fundamental difference between liberals and radicals; one sacrifices truth to avoid confronting power, and one confronts power to avoid sacrificing truth.”

View story at Medium.com

Why Sex Isn’t a Spectrum

The word “sex,” as in whether you are male or female, is not unrelated to the word “sex,” as in getting busy in the bedroom. Sex organs are named for their function–they are used in sex. Sex is the process by which a species reproduces. For humans, sex also may (or may not) be a jolly fun time for its participants, but such entertainment potential does not inform its scientific labeling.

Reproduction in humans is a process that involves exactly two roles and only two roles. Someone provides the gamete called sperm and someone provides the gamete called ova (and in humans, gestates the offspring in a womb). There is not a third gamete.

A given individual can play the male role in reproduction if equipped, the female role if equipped, or neither role if their sex organs are dysfunctional or anomalous. Being “equipped” depends upon normal chromosomal and other development.

Intersex conditions represent a disorder of sex development, not an introduction of new and additional kinds of sex development. They don’t provide a third gamete or perform a third role, much less a “spectrum” of gametes or roles.

The idea that sex is a spectrum comes from the view that a person’s sex is primarily interesting or erotic or an impetus for self-expression, and overlooks its function. It’s an ideological concept, not a scientific one.



Teen Vogue Anal Sex Guide: Fixed it for You

Does my version seem unlikely, absurd, perverse?

That’s because we view women’s bodies as public property and men’s as sacrosanct. He doesn’t “belong” in her bottom any more than she “belongs” in his, but society understands who is and isn’t for violating, and changing that script is always shocking.

Not every heterosexual couple is having, or wants to have, “penis in the vagina sex.” If your boyfriend is finding that using his penis during sex is not for him, it’s helpful to know the facts.

I have got him covered. Without all the run-of-the-mill hoopla, here is the lowdown on everything your boyfriend needs to know about receiving anal sex from you, his girlfriend.

Why anal?

Anal sex, though often stigmatized and shamed, is a perfectly natural way for your boyfriend to receive sexual activity. Men have been receiving anal sex since the dawn of humanity. Seriously, it’s been documented back to the Ancient Greeks and then some. So, if he’s a little worried about receiving anal, or is having trouble understanding the appeal, just let him know that it isn’t weird or gross.

Just because you have a vagina does not mean your boyfriend’s anus is off limits. The anus is not as malleable as a vagina, which has the ability to accommodate an infant’s head by design. The anus is very tight, so he’ll have the unique feeling of having something in his rectal area. It is often described as a feeling of fullness which can be delightful for him.

How to ask your boyfriend if he’s ready to receive anal

Asking to perform anal on your boyfriend can be a bit daunting. Have a one-on-one with your boyfriend and let him know that inserting something into his anus is something you want to try. Be honest about your feelings about it. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to discuss anything openly.

Start slow, seriously

Here is the real deal. Your boyfriend can’t just decide he’s going to start receiving anal one day and then go for it, anchors away!

You need to start penetrating him slowly. The anus is a muscle that needs to be worked up to having larger objects inserted. Start by inserting your finger or a small (I do mean v small) butt plug to warm him up. As he feels more aroused and comfortable, work the object inside. Gently move it around to loosen up the area.

Lube is a must

Lube is absolutely required, but condoms aren’t. You can’t get an STI by inserting objects into your boyfriend’s anus.

Original Link




I just had the good fortune of making an emotional, spiritual and sexual connection that I did not know was in my universe of possibilities, with someone I deeply respect and who challenges me to be a better person.

That has filled me up to the top of my soul, to the extent that it’s distracting me from my current priority. That’s ok. I’ll get back on track.

“Love is what anchors us to the Earth,” says Ann Patchett. I remain baffled that someone would give up something so precious for dogma.

But this is not about that. This is about her. My gratitude to the universe for making her exist.

Sexuality: Anything but Sex

Back in the days when folks were less troubled by identity woes, we started with three sexual orientations that encompassed the only three ways someone might relate to the two sexes (sexes being defined as people with particular sex organs):

  • homosexuality
  • heterosexuality
  • bisexuality

And then these inspired people to make up new words in the same vein that aren’t actually about sexuality (as they are unassociated with and exist outside the sexes):

  • demisexual
  • sapiosexual
  • pansexual
  • etc

Then, “cotton ceiling” rhetoric and the myth that sexuality is an attraction to a gender instead of a sex erased at least two of the “original” sexualities (homosexual and heterosexual), calling both bigoted, and permitting only the existence of bisexuals who are unparticular about sex organs but who can be organized into those who like lipstick and those who like neckties.

Thus, it’s now only ok to be sexual with something other than sex organs.

The definition of fetish is:

Sexual arousal from the use of nonliving objects or a highly specific focus on non-genital body part(s).

And so with transgender ideology, sexuality has been wholly replaced with fetish.