Lost to Follow-Up/How Far Can You Follow Me?

“Medically transitioning symbolized how I felt that who and what I was wrong, not enough, and had to be totally reshaped to be made good. That I would rather become another person than be who I am, that being who I am was so unthinkable that I was split off and in denial of my actual self.”

“You thought you were doing good but you were giving me tools to hurt myself.. I can forgive you if you can face what you’ve done to me as I’ve had to face what I’ve done to myself. I’ll feel more at peace if I can see doubts rise across your face, if you have the strength to consider that I may not be an isolated case.”

crashchaoscats

I haven’t told any of the medical providers who helped me transition that I’ve since detransitioned and accepted myself as a woman. Not the therapist who diagnosed me with gender identity disorder, not the doctors or nurse practitioners who prescribed me testosterone and took my blood for testing. I haven’t contacted any of these women (all the providers I saw happened to be female) and told them what became of me.

I wouldn’t bother telling them about my detransition without telling them why I transitioned and how it was a kind of self-destructive coping mechanism. The thought of telling my old providers about how transitioning hurt me is intimidating, overwhelming. I’d be making myself very vulnerable and I don’t trust doctors to begin with, not even the nice ones. Why would it be easy to tell those who prescribed me testosterone that doing so helped me hurt myself? Why would…

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