In the past on this blog I’ve used the word “narcissistic” by its common definition (having an undue fascination with oneself; vain).
But at least one study says that gender dysphoria is usually comorbid with personality disorders (81.4%, most commonly narcissistic personality disorder). And other trans widows keep telling me that their spouses were diagnosed with it. So I took a glance at Mayo Clinic’s description of the disorder just to ponder how well it fits. I’ve taken some excerpts and followed them with observations about my ex.
“Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration”
- Constant selfies and seeking compliments on them
- Constant (and often untrue) claims of victimization (was harassed, was photographed, was groped, is unsafe)
- Constant attempts to keep his pet cause in the forefront of all discourse
“and a lack of empathy for others.”
“Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others”
- Inability to notice when he’s making others uncomfortable
- Inability to empathize with any point of view but his own
- Cutting off friends’ conversations about their problems to interject his own
- Stalking me, harassing me, inciting threats against me
“But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem”
- Rage and depression over what others think about his appearance or personality
- Once covered a huge poster board with phrases like “I hate myself” and hid it in room
- Has admitted to self-esteem issues many times
“that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
- No longer tolerates friends with differing points of views
- Cuts off communication with them
- Has actually indicated a preference for being lied to than facing uncomfortable truths
“A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships”
- Cutting off non-compliant friends
- Aggressively attempting to divide our mutual friends so that he doesn’t have contact with anyone who empathizes with me
- Was unemployed for over a year and didn’t seek work
- Now works a temp job where he has fun promoting his cause
“…or financial affairs.”
- Contributed zero dollars to our household for over a year, including during a home down payment and purchase
- Overdrew bank account and ignored it for months even after realizing it
“You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you’re not given the special favors or admiration you believe you deserve.”
- He’s miserable. Some people are even giving him those favors and admiration, but it’s clearly never enough.
“Others may not enjoy being around you”
“you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious.”
“You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior”
- These things have been said about him.
- He’s admitted the last one about himself.
“You may have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation.”
“perceived criticisms or rejections”
- Aforementioned poster board.
- Known shame for not succeeding at masculinity.
- Known internalized homophobia
- Has admitted to insecurity and shame to me many times
“To feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make yourself appear superior.”
- Campaign of rage and hate against me for existing and writing opinions.
“Or you may feel depressed and moody because you fall short of perfection.”
- Constantly depressed about not passing, clothes not fitting right, people not reacting right, not liking self in mirror
- Tantrums about clothing, laser treatments
“Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people”
- Alienating real friends and family
- Replacing them with hundreds of online “friends” who will not disagree with him because they have the same motivations as him
“Expecting… unquestioning compliance with your expectations”
- Has stopped interacting with everyone who doesn’t agree with him on every point.
- Has slashed his friends list in order to assure that no one exercising independent thought can observe or question his opinionated tirades
- Has always been an issue.
“Suicidal thoughts or behavior”
And on the likelihood of treatment:
“When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may not want to think that anything could be wrong — doing so wouldn’t fit with your self-image of power and perfection.”