Narcissistic Personality Disorder

In the past on this blog I’ve used the word “narcissistic” by its common definition (having an undue fascination with oneself; vain).

But at least one study says that gender dysphoria is usually comorbid with personality disorders (81.4%, most commonly narcissistic personality disorder). And other trans widows keep telling me that their spouses were diagnosed with it. So I took a glance at Mayo Clinic’s description of the disorder just to ponder how well it fits. I’ve taken some excerpts and followed them with observations about my ex.

“Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration”

  • Constant selfies and seeking compliments on them
  • Constant (and often untrue) claims of victimization (was harassed, was photographed, was groped, is unsafe)
  • Constant attempts to keep his pet cause in the forefront of all discourse

“and a lack of empathy for others.”
“Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others”

  • Inability to notice when he’s making others uncomfortable
  • Inability to empathize with any point of view but his own
  • Cutting off friends’ conversations about their problems to interject his own
  • Stalking me, harassing me, inciting threats against me

“But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem”

  • Rage and depression over what others think about his appearance or personality
  • Once covered a huge poster board with phrases like “I hate myself” and hid it in room
  • Has admitted to self-esteem issues many times

“that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

  • No longer tolerates friends with differing points of views
  • Cuts off communication with them
  • Has actually indicated a preference for being lied to than facing uncomfortable truths

“A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships”

  • Divorce
  • Cutting off non-compliant friends
  • Aggressively attempting to divide our mutual friends so that he doesn’t have contact with anyone who empathizes with me

” work”

  • Was unemployed for over a year and didn’t seek work
  • Now works a temp job where he has fun promoting his cause

“…or financial affairs.”

  • Contributed zero dollars to our household for over a year, including during a home down payment and purchase
  • Overdrew bank account and ignored it for months even after realizing it
  • Underemployed

“You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you’re not given the special favors or admiration you believe you deserve.”

  • He’s miserable. Some people are even giving him those favors and admiration, but it’s clearly never enough.

“Others may not enjoy being around you”
“you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious.”
“You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior”

  • These things have been said about him.
  • He’s admitted the last one about himself.

“You may have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation.”
“perceived criticisms or rejections”

  • Aforementioned poster board.
  • Known shame for not succeeding at masculinity.
  • Known internalized homophobia
  • Has admitted to insecurity and shame to me many times

“To feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make yourself appear superior.”

  • Campaign of rage and hate against me for existing and writing opinions.

“Or you may feel depressed and moody because you fall short of perfection.”

  • Constantly depressed about not passing, clothes not fitting right, people not reacting right, not liking self in mirror
  • Tantrums about clothing, laser treatments

“Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people”

  • Alienating real friends and family
  • Replacing them with hundreds of online “friends” who will not disagree with him because they have the same motivations as him

“Expecting… unquestioning compliance with your expectations”

  • Has stopped interacting with everyone who doesn’t agree with him on every point.
  • Has slashed his friends list in order to assure that no one exercising independent thought can observe or question his opinionated tirades

“alcohol abuse”

  • Has always been an issue.

“Suicidal thoughts or behavior”

  • Yes.

And on the likelihood of treatment:

“When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may not want to think that anything could be wrong — doing so wouldn’t fit with your self-image of power and perfection.”



7 thoughts on “Narcissistic Personality Disorder

    • He prefers women but is bisexual. He has had a little experience on the other side and he told me about it early in our relationship. My evidence for internalized homophobia is as follows:

      1) When he first started cross-dressing, he became extremely angry anytime he was mistaken for or compared to a gay man, even though he is ostensibly accepting of many gay friends

      2) He’s a songwriter and wrote a really good song about having a crush on a man, but would not play it at his shows, even though I tried to convince him that it would go over well and is precedented among songwriters he admires (like Vampire Weekend and many 70s glam rock artists)

      And just a general squirrlishness about it.

      Liked by 4 people

      • PS: that’s exactly what it’s about. They are always hiding from themselves. It’s rough on their friends who genuinely care for them and know them and understand that they are flawed, as are we all.


      • ..My ex also– when he came out he insisted he was lesbian. as far as i know he still does.. he loved to be validated as ‘one of the girls’ (though he had a history of aggressively lesbophobic behavior as a male, getting lesbian band members and group members ejected and ostracised ) — but he confided in me that he fantasised about being ‘fucked as a woman’ got turned on by the male gaze, a thrill out of male sexual attention. i witnessed this myself many times. when we went out together, he would distance himself from me and pretend not to know me. it hurt at the time, but didnt take long to realise why he couldnt stand to be around me in public. i was obviously cramping his style.
        an old friend of his moved into his flat around a year before he came out, around the same time he stopped his anti-psychotic meds..i know now, that those two had been secret lovers for 30 years on and off and i was their beard. this friend was a founder member of a successful band .. its a long story, but it did become clear to me what was really going on… he’d been trying forever to earn a place in the band, him and the friend did produce some tracks, but they wouldnt let him on stage, wouldnt let him do gigs; they showed no interest until he started transition and changed from lead guitar to bass. a weird looking transgender bassist..! they were suddenly all over him. it took him about a week to entirely erase himself and me. he kept telling me i had no right to speak of what was happening and must respect his privacy. (the same reason he gave for misrepresenting himself to me and my children all those years – privacy) well now we know what he was doing with that ‘privacy’. now we know we have been violated, gaslighted, used and abused. now we have to re frame the sexual intimacy as non consensual, appropriative, and voyeuristic. the love and sexual intimacy we believed was mutual, was just a ruse to fulfill his secret sexual agenda and share with his online ‘pals’… not the same person – someone you suddenly find you dont even know. someone who has chosen to withhold what apparently is the single most important thing about them, sometimes for many years… in my case, someone who had transitioned and detransitioned several times before, someone i had known for 30 odd years, but only as male. i had no idea about those bits of his past, i had no idea he was even remotely feminine or interested in cross-dressing, he hid it all from me. you can imagine the level of gaslighting required. when they talk about ‘exclusion’ i want to scream! they are the most excluding group i know. check out the trans forums aimed at older MtT/Agps, see the narcissism and the overtly sexual motive and creepy auto-eroticism. see what theyre saying about women, wives, mothers, sisters, girlfriends, women in general…
        i never ceases to amaze me how similar the behaviors of these men are and how familiar the stories of transwidows have become.
        wishing you clear sight and fortitude.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. NPD seems to me all about overcompensating for a sense of one’s self being inadequate. The narcissist is always looking for ways to pump himself up, but he secretly doesn’t believe any of it and tends to self-sabotage. This creates an atmosphere of chaos around the person, that can and often does adversely affect people who care about him.

    I loved a narcissist for a long time, but ultimately you have to protect yourself, because these people will just wreck you.


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