Moral Corruption

After about six months of me and my ex not breathing a word to each other, and acquiring some sort of equilibrium (I thought), he went out of his way to somehow do the sort of obsessive research required to track down my completely anonymous blog that I’ve shared with no one, and get himself into enough of a froth hate-reading it to go on a viscous campaign of publicly trashing me in front of all our mutual friends. One viscous enough to get me threats.

He used things from my blog that he would have otherwise not known about as a sort of verisimilitude to “prove” to our friends that I was stalking and contacting him. A completely premeditated lie.

I guess I should have known that a completely calculated, ruthless lie was possible for him, because of the way he once managed to convince his ex-wife that he didn’t give his male friend a blow job while he was married to her, even after the friend confessed to the wife. That takes an exceptionally clever liar.

He’s actually cyberstalking me and pretending that I am cyberstalking him, and somehow it isn’t causing him any cognitive dissonance whatsoever to know that the thing that he’s getting his friends to call utterly disgusting and unacceptable, is a thing that actually he is doing to me and I am not doing to him. A thing that he knows they’d be justified in hating him for if he didn’t happen to be a successful liar.

I’ve done a lot of difficult processing over the last six months.

I processed the fact that he has lost his ability to even see me across the room at some random-ass party, ever again, even though I think that’s bullshit.

I processed the fact that we’ll never be friends, even after he begged and promised that nothing could ever prevent us from being friends after the divorce.

I processed the fact that his politics don’t align with mine, and that he’s perfectly ok with being a jerk about them.

But I’m having trouble processing the incredible amount of moral corruption that this unprovoked and dishonest campaign of hate requires.

That he’s smearing lies about me even as I’m withholding far more damning truths about him because I am too respectful to do what he’s doing. That he can rest assured that while he’s saying “it’s not sexual!” a dozen times in a thread I won’t chime in and say, “actually, as his sex partner when this all went down, I beg to differ.”

I honestly thought, from 15 years of experience, that he had a level of compassion and self-awareness that would have precluded him from suddenly sabotaging me for no reason.

But it’s not true that there’s no reason. Here’s the reason: I exist, and I have opinions, and I’m saying them on the internet.

That’s what I’m getting punished for.

He wouldn’t give up activism even for our marriage. At one point I asked him if he’d give it up if it would save our marriage and he said no.

And yet, he actually thinks that I’m not allowed to state my political opinions even after the divorce. That I just need to be stopped. Just run-of-the-mill, bare-bones, infantilizing patriarchal bullshit. I’m not allowed to disagree with him. I’m not allowed to be heard.

There’s not another reason for this rampage. It certainly isn’t going to make him feel better. It isn’t going to fix anything. It isn’t even designed to get me to do anything different, since he knows darn well I’m not doing anything to him. It’s just lashing out at me for having a voice.

So I’ve stopped worrying about damage control. I suppose if he’s willing to invest the time and energy into crafting clever lies that our mutual friends are unlikely to see through, he’s going to do it. Let him sacrifice his self-respect on that altar.

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Moral Corruption

  1. I can tell you this, it does not surprise me one bit, having been around this community as long as I have, I have seen the way they behave and it’s not pretty. The best analogy I could use is that they behave like snakes, demonic rats, all lead by narcissistic rages and psychotic behavior. I don’t know how these therapists allow these individuals to be on hormones and to transition, but I guess I do know because this whole gender dysphoria thing is all based on lies and promoting an agenda that will destroy humanity and make money for those pushing it. Again, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, I had the same problem with an ex trans woman who I had a relationship with, when I decided I could not put up with him any longer, he made my life miserable. He tried to ruin my life and reputation and recruited a bunch of other nut cases to do so. But thankfully, he got tired and went away. These people are dangerous and need psychological intervention, not hormones and the slew of surgeries to feed their delusion. There are many that share our same story, anyone who has had a relationship with a trans individual can attest to their narcissistic personality disorder.

    Be strong, he will eventually stop and move on to his next project. These people are deranged but one thing I have learn, they get bored and are impulsive, so try to ride the storm and it will soon come to an end. Stay strong….

    Maritza

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My exes behaviour only started making sense to me after my therapist told me that he ticked all the boxes for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is key to dealing with men like the ones that we were involved with.

    When you’re trying to process the break up of a significant long term relationship, coupled with the mind blowing concept that the person you gave your life to never was, and the grief that entails, you feel like your losing your mind. I know, I’ve been there too. But you are strong. You have written this blog and you have tried to make sense of it all and understand.

    The best advice I got from books on NPD was to cut all ties; never look back. I try very hard not to let my ex get to me, but unfortunately we have things in common; house and children for starters. If these friends are willing to believe him then move on. I found out that there is no middle-ground around the issue of trans.

    Please don’t feel that you are dealing with this on your own. I am in contact with other women who are survivors of abuse by autogynephilic men. Our days of being silent and scared are dwindling. We will call them out. You have my email address. Please free to contact me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. There is an old saying that your greatest enemy will not be a person you have wronged but rather a person who has wronged you. I am so sorry they are doing this to you.

    Liked by 2 people

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