First, know this. This blog is anonymous and I never use my name, my ex’s name, or anyone else’s. I started this blog to vent about my marriage/divorce difficulties, in private, anonymously, with internet strangers. I’m of the belief that I have the right to process my feelings through anonymous writing.
I did not share the URL with my ex nor with any other human I know in real life. I’m not famous or anything, you know, so people I know don’t really stumble across it. My ex found this blog by cyberstalking me, and there isn’t much I can do about that. It was never meant to be seen by people I know. If people I know are reading this blog now, and I have reason to suspect they are, they discovered it via him.
Second, I’m aware that my ex is telling people that I stalk him and spy on him. This isn’t true. Why don’t you ask him how he “knows” I’m doing that? Tell him to give you the name of who observed that and what exactly they observed. Spoiler: He made it up. Sometimes he reads things here and reports them to the world as if I or some secret informant told him, when in fact, he got the info by stalking me. Kind of ironic, isn’t it? And for that matter, if he has secret informants observing me, how exactly is that different from what he’s accusing me of?
The fact is, we live in the same town, have the same friends (much as he’s aggressively tried to put a stop to that), go to the same events, and read the same media. And I’ve been a member of the local LGBT community for about 17 years longer than he has. He isn’t invisible — quite the contrary, he’s a publicity seeker (I’m sure you’ve noticed that). So I’m not sure why he thinks the whole world conspires or should conspire to make sure his frequent and public pleas for attention are visible to everyone but me.
To be honest, I was quite surprised he cared about me enough to stalk me or even talk about me, after six months of barely having any contact. I actually assumed he was ok.
Now, on to the business at hand.
My ex may have told you some things about me and my worldview. I’ll go ahead and confirm them:
- I want people to love themselves. That’s all the more true when they are important to me. If the people I love tell me they hate themselves, I will not join them in agreeing that they are loathsome. I will tell them, as I did my ex, that they are lovable and perfect the way they are.
- As a corollary to the above, I believe it is healthier for people to love and accept their bodies than for people to hate and reject their bodies. I know not everyone has a healthy relationship with their body, and I totally get that, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t preferable if they can.
- I do not believe that my ex is “literally” a woman. I, like you, don’t want transgender people to be discriminated against in jobs or housing. I, like you, don’t want them to meet with violence. I want everyone, transgender or not, to wear whatever they want to wear, no matter how gender-nonconforming. I totally get affirming the “womanhood” of people like my ex in service to those goals, and I did, while we were married. But affirming such is not the same as believing that sex does not exist and is not important.
These are things the transgender activist community finds intolerable. These are the things my ex finds “hateful.” These are the things he’s calling “abuse.”
Once upon a time, not so very long ago, the transgender community held that sex was different from gender. Sex is your reproductive organs (you’re female if you produce ova, male if you produce sperm), and gender is the way you express yourself (wearing a dress, liking pink, preferring knitting to working on cars, and so forth). That was a very sensible view.
Recently, probably in service to promoting the bathroom bill for non-op people, the community abandoned that distinction. They now promote the view that there is no difference between natal women and trans women. That sex categories are so fuzzy in humans that no one can ever definitively tell one from the other. That a trans woman is “literally” a woman and not just someone who identifies as one. These are views that my ex holds that I do not share.
My ex is angry with me because I have admitted as much, out loud in private conversations between the two of us in our bedroom. And I have done that because I was busy trying to maintain an honest and fearless and intimate relationship with someone I loved more than anything. And in my worldview, that relationship isn’t possible with dishonesty and half-truths and evasiveness. Gender-conforming clothing choices are optional in a healthy marriage, but communication is not.
Blessed are you who have not been asked to reveal your innermost thoughts on the matter, and have thus evaded the anger that has been reserved for me.