In Which my Detractors Flail, Embarrass Themselves

I came across a thread where some MtFs were talking about my blog. Let’s just address some of the things they had to say.

“It sounds fake to me.”

“Of course it’s not true. That’s how GCers work.”

“I can’t really decide whether that’s a serious article or a parody.”

“it starts to become obvious this is a composite”

“I dunno, I think this is a parody piece.”

I kind of love this evidence that what my husband did, and so what many other transgender people do, is so mind-bogglingly indefensible that even other transgender people can respond only by pretending it didn’t happen.

My life may not be the most exciting one in the world, but it is not lame enough that I have to spend it writing 49 pages about a marriage that didn’t happen.

“I’m guessing most people are near-exclusively heteroromantic or homoromantic enough… that being married to someone of a gender… you’re not attracted to doesn’t work.”

“Couples where the partner of the trans person is bisexual [stay together]”

“I love the total erasure of bisexuality from all her thinking”

I’ve apparently erased myself, y’all. With this frank discussion of my relationships with men and women.

Another defense that only works for some hypothetical bad partner who isn’t me.

“the writer starts to cry over the loss of their sweet het privilege”

No, I never did that. Where did I do that?

Did I learn to depend on that sweet het privilege when I was dating the woman I dated for four years just prior to meeting my husband?

Another defense that only works for some hypothetical bad partner who isn’t me.

“the author says she’s only attracted to male characteristics”

Wait, what?

No I definitely did not say that. All in all, I don’t even like men that much; I just happened to like that one. I not only like female characteristics, I prefer them.

Another defense that only works for some hypothetical bad partner who isn’t me.

“I hope the TERF finds a piece of chest hair attached to an Adam’s Apple”

Ew. I have no interest in chest hair and adam’s apples, to be honest.

I’m detecting a trend. Do they have anything to say about what really happened, instead of what they’d like to pretend happened? Do they have anything to say to me, instead of to this hypothetical straight girl who likes het privilege, adam’s apples and chest hair?

“it sounds like she probably treated her wife… like crap and she shut down.”

Oh good lord. Nice try.

See: this whole blog.

“It sounds like, overall, this couple did not know how to work as a couple.”

“Sounds like a bad relationship tbh”

Of course I can’t prove it to Internet strangers, but we worked as a couple amazingly well until he decided to spend a year melting down over his gender feelings.

Fifteen years, great communication, great sex, highly compatible worldviews, great conflict resolution (and very few conflicts to resolve), wonderful vacations, and yes, very much in love.

Another defense that only works for some hypothetical couple who isn’t us.

“Maybe she’s financially dependant?”

LOLOL. That would be funny if my husband hadn’t been an enormous financial burden on me that last year. He was financially dependent on me. It takes very little clicking around here to see that, but it’s easier to make stuff up.

“Oh no! The sanctity of marriage is under threat, whatever will we do?”

“Man the rosaries! Fetch the boiling holy water!”

Who the hell are these two talking about?

It hardly needs to be repeated, but I’m an atheist and I don’t give a shit about the sanctity of marriage.

Another defense that only works for some hypothetical partner who isn’t me.

“…that tells her every half hour how cute she is”

“while saying that what she wants out of relationships are recognition from others and attention from her spouse (‘my blouse is cute!!!’)”

I did not say that anywhere and I do not require that. However, for what it’s worth, my ex-husband sure did need to be told every half hour that he and his blouse were cute. If you click over to his FaceBook page, you’ll see that he still does.

“TIL as a sexually active trans woman who maintains a high libido and sexual function and no apparent genital pain, I literally cannot possibly exist.”

My libido may even have risen slightly after hormones.

Let’s hear from your wife about this great sex life. And let’s hear from her again in two years.

“My marriage is great and that’s all that matters to me.”

“My spouse is happier than ever before with our marriage now that I’m out and having the dysphoria treated”

I’m not going to suggest that these guys are experiencing a great deal of wishful thinking, or that their wives are telling them something different than what they’re telling others (as they did in my support groups), or that their less-than-two-year-old marriages are statistically likely to fall apart in the near future.

I’m not going to suggest that their wives can’t financially or emotionally afford to leave or that their wives would have never married them if they’d come out as trans before the wedding.

Even though I think you’ll find more than enough evidence to support these propositions on your own.

Instead, I’ll ask for evidence. Show me the blogs by natal women (not their trans spouses) who have been married to transwomen for fifteen years and have joyous (not just tolerant) stories to tell about it. Show me the blogs by natal women who have been married to transwomen for fifteen years, period.

Show me the stories by financially successful women who chose to stay with transwomen.

Let’s hear the stories, from women, about how mind-blowing the sex is with their MtF spouses who have been on hormones for five years, and/or who have surgically constructed sex organs.

Show me the articles by natal women who married transwomen on purpose rather than ending up with one after a number of years of being married to a man. That shouldn’t be hard to find, right, if women aren’t mostly in these relationships under duress?

I’d love to read the love stories about how enthused women were when they met and married the transwomen of their dreams.

I’ll wait right here.






37 thoughts on “In Which my Detractors Flail, Embarrass Themselves

  1. I don’t think women actually exist to most men, I just don’t see it happening. Women are just raw material to consume or fashioned into something they find useful for their own needs.

    Liked by 7 people

  2. “Couples where the partner of the trans person is bisexual [stay together]”

    Uh, no no no. I am bi. That means I am attracted to women and to men. It does not mean I am attracted to a 6’5″ man in an ill-fitting dress, speaking in falsetto and sporting falsies. I am not attracted to extremely fake stereotypical femininity plastered on a male body.

    Liked by 6 people

    • I know, right? In fact in one of the articles they were criticizing, I mentioned that when a person has all their secondary sex characteristics removed, it doesn’t turn them into the other sex. It’s just makes them more sexually neutral.

      They like to pretend that none of that is necessary for attraction, but it is. That’s why most normal people aren’t physically attracted to, say, robots – it takes more than a humanoid shape.

      Liked by 2 people

    • I said:
      “Show me the articles by natal women who married transwomen on purpose rather than ending up with one after a number of years of being married to a man.”
      “I’d love to read the love stories about how enthused women were when they met and married the transwomen of their dreams.”

      Transmarried said:
      “David did not tell me… until we had been married 20 years”

      I said “Let’s hear the stories, from women, about how mind-blowing the sex is with their MtF spouses”

      Transmarried said:
      “They are going to go on meds that will make their genitals shrink.”
      “sex will fall down [on the tran’s person’s] list of priorities”
      There’s no sex tag on the blog, and no other discussion of post-transition sex (though their sex life pre-transition was good).

      So we have a woman who didn’t throw away her 20-year investment when her husband sprung the news on her in their late 50’s, and who can’t tell us she’s having a good sex life.

      Not the worst example out there, because of the longevity, but not the best either.

      How about a woman who wanted to marry a transwoman, instead of inheriting one and making the best of it? How about a woman who’s getting the sex life she wants, instead of adjusting to the sex life (or lack thereof) her partner has forced on her?

      “That shouldn’t be hard to find, right, if women aren’t mostly in these relationships under duress?”

      Liked by 2 people

      • I’m a cis woman who’s happily going to marry a trans woman next September. We literally had to cross the Atlantic to be together (met while she was studying abroad in the US). She’s been out since I met her five years ago and has since had SRS. We’ve been happily together for four years.

        The reason women like me don’t talk to women like you is simple: you degrade us by calling us “handmaidens” and saying awful things about our girlfriends/wives. You don’t respect our sexual identities. You don’t want to have reasonable conversations. Instead you would rather pontificate your own experiences to us as if they were our own. I’m sure you’ll accuse me of being male like many other GC bloggers do when faced with cis women who challenge their narrative.

        My fiancé has treated me better than any cis man or woman ever has. Even if our relationship fails, I’ll be glad that it happened because she’s shown me a level of love I’ve never seen before. Hell, after all the abuse I dealt with from my relationship before this one (ex was a cis woman btw), I didn’t think that kind of love existed. Then my fiancé came into my life and taught me that there are people out there who will respect “no,” who will communicate openly, who will confront you about problems in the relationship without being cruel, will accept your complaints without belittling you, and will be honest with you no matter what.

        I hope you one day realize that the manner you conduct your blog in is disrespectful and ultimately hurts to both cis and trans women. I’m sure you won’t respect me or my experiences and will label me one of your various synonyms for “bitch” (or just deny that I’m a woman entirely). Hopefully you prove me wrong but I doubt.


      • Yes, it is easy to lionize people who live across the Atlantic, a “partner” that you don’t physically live around, but have an easy, breezy, internet relationship with. Yes, I read the part about how you met him while he was studying in the USA. Write back, after you’ve been married a year, if the marriage lasts that long. Good luck!

        Liked by 1 person

      • mary from wisconsin — says it all really doesnt it? yes they do exist, ive seen them on youtube young women so clearly being gaslighted, gushing videos and selfies of the happy ‘lesbian’ couple.. where she looks about 18 and he just looks creepy and smug, smirking away at her blithe imaginings and her libfem virtues. this is how it works now .. mary knows damn well this isnt going to work. she feels it in her bones, but she’s enjoying being the narcissistic supply – thats how it works.For now.
        How the hell you can reconcile loving someone with not being at all bothered by the deliberate genital mutilation for profit of your mentally ill loved one is beyond they even have sex when he has no functional genitals is something i dont wish to dwell on, because the thought of this happening to my ex so horrified me in the loss and grieving phase it made me ill… but whether mary is straight or lesbian, it must be very frustrating for her having to deal with high maintenance surgically constructed ‘sex organs’ – she must wonder why he had to do that in a loving accepting relationship and what his real motives are if she isnt bothered by a penis..i cant speak for her, but a young woman entering a marriage with a bloke who had himself castrated and his penis amputated.. how does she know she wont end up yearning for children? why is she even getting married to this numpty if she doesnt know if it will last? i hope she doesnt have any savings – he will rob her blind to pay for stuff she cant even afford for herself. the thing about gaslighting and psychological manipulation, is that you dont know its happening until you wake up – how much will mary invest of herself before he turns on her? how much will she put up with and pretend not to see? will she be able to pretend for the rest of her life that men in dresses with breast implants and amputated penises and surgically created scrotum holes are women? please god they dont bring children into this.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Six months..! students! wisconsin! dear oh dear. mary – if you’re real and you ever need any help, we’ll understand. i think you have a way to go yet, but when the scales fall from your eyes and you see him for what he is. when you realise that all your giving isnt enough to feed the beast, when you catch him filming you for the entertainment of his online porn pals, or fucking some random tranny chaser or masturbating in your daughters underwear, when you see him for what he is, let us know.. keep your eyes wide open and dont ignore your gut feelings. i wish you luck.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve never called a woman who dates a trans person a “handmaiden” or any other name.

        Maybe you should start a blog. I’d be very interested in learning whether you have sex, whether you like sex, and whether you’re still together in five years.

        Liked by 3 people

  3. The trans actor Alexandra Billings has been married to his wife for 20 years, although I strongly suspect their relationship is a companionate marriage and has been from the beginning. Billings was pretty clearly a gay man during his drag days, his wife was seemingly exclusively heterosexual, and they’ve known each other since high school.


  4. You quoted me but chose to cut the part that doesn’t fit your narrative and makes your reply to it utter nonsense.

    For context I was replying to another person talking about their libido.
    “My libido may even have risen slightly after hormones. It went from ‘nothing’ to ‘maybe something sometimes?’

    I know trans people that aren’t sexual don’t fit your beliefs, but it’s silly to ask about a nonexistent partner’s sex life since sex obviously isn’t important to me at all and it would be highly unlikely for it to be important to anyone I partnered with.


      • Actually I never said I didn’t like it. I said here that it wasn’t important to me. I’ve never tried it and beyond the curiosity of what it might be like I have no desire to try it. And that’s been a thing I’ve been clear on in dating. But just because I have next to no desire for it doesn’t mean it can’t be enjoyable. It’s the difference between asexual and sex repulsed, which can coexist.


  5. I’m friends with a woman online who’s in a long term relationship with a transwoman, I don’t know how long they’ve been living together but they seem very stable and are getting married. They’re both in their sixties, which I believe helps. I don’t know much more because I don’t like to pry (I wouldn’t with any other couple after all).

    That said I do support a lot of what you say above, and I have become a transkeptic in the past year; I particularly resent that questioning the current dogma of will get you chucked out of a lot of feminist spaces and labeled a TERF.

    I’m just mentioning my friend because while in the grand scheme of things you’re probably right, on an individual level there a lot of couples who will make it work.


  6. “Yes, it is easy to lionize people who live across the Atlantic, a “partner” that you don’t physically live around, but have an easy, breezy, internet relationship with. Yes, I read the part about how you met him while he was studying in the USA. Write back, after you’ve been married a year, if the marriage lasts that long. Good luck!”

    This is exactly the kind of passive aggressive crap I’m talking about. We’ve already been living together for six months and before that would visit each other for as long as possible (sometimes over the entire summer, sometimes only a few weeks during the school year). But as usual, instead of asking me, you just make a bunch of assumptions about us that aren’t even logical. You know that in order to get your spousal visa approved in most countries, you need to have visited each other regularly and have official records of those visits as proof of your relationship, right? Things were difficult while we were apart but we’re both driven people and knew the payoff would be worth the trouble. LDRs are valid relationships. Many are unsuccessful and plenty of people told me that (especially gross dudes who couldn’t take “no” for an answer). It ended up working out for us because we were willing to put in the work required.

    “I’d be very interested in learning whether you have sex, whether you like sex, and whether you’re still together in five years.”

    We do have sex regularly (three times a week minimum). We both enjoy sex. My libido is slightly higher than hers but overall we’re both average when it comes to that. I would say our sex life isn’t too different from other couples our age who are in a long term relationship.


  7. Dear Transwidow, Dear Healing Soul,

    Are you being gas-lighted?

    Yes, yes you are.

    It’s Faux News á la Trans: All of the glamourous gas-lighting with zero for truth. The fact they’re going to those lengths means they are trying to reach anybody who doesn’t take the time to peer too closely at things, who don’t realise that overly loud shills are not, in fact, gate-keepers of truth and sane observations. The fact they are going to these lengths means that you are legion and what you are doing is so potent that anybody with 5 spare minutes and a smidgen of motivation can read any one of your posts and see that you are not the person you are portrayed as by a cult of bullies. Eh, let’s call it what it is: men enjoying patriarchy. MEP’s. MEP’s are bullies and, just like the well organised MEP’s of the gaming world, the transcultists are well organised in misinformation, doxing, and other terror tactics.

    These outright lies from MEP’s, under the guise of ‘gender dysphoria’, lead me to believe that anything they say about the supposed happiness of their own transwidows is an utter sham. More like women have been gas-lighted and bullied into submitting to some freakish social whim. Patriarchy is great at getting women to be life-long slaves and baby machines without much thought, how much harder to get women to bow down to well and truly narcissistic brutes? Not so very much.

    (If anybody is curious why I’m only smacking down the mens it is because I believe that FtM trans stuff is everything to do with patriarchy getting women to really hate themselves. Especially lesbians. If transculty business had been around when I was a youngin you can be sure I’d have mistakenly gone FtM because patriarchy cult loves only men, am I right?)

    I well and truly believe that the current phenomena with the super organised and powerful transcult stems from people with genuine phenomena known in the psychiatric world as ‘narcissistic personality disorder’. I won’t lie, I often wonder if some powerful and rich wankers like the Koch brothers are behind it. It’s all way too organised and way too sudden in such a short period of time and I’ve been on this planet a fair bit.

    The fact you aren’t having it and publicly not swallowing it means they have to bully, gas-light, and project you into submission.

    Keep up the good work, you’re way more powerful than they want people to know.

    Liked by 3 people

      • “I fancied myself as some kind of god …. If truth be known, I carried some rather potent messianic fantasies with me from childhood, which I felt I had to control, otherwise they might get me in trouble. It is a sort of disease when you consider yourself some kind of god, the creator of everything, but I feel comfortable about it now since I began to live it out.” – George Soros

        I see. Soros, essentially, is playing omniscient being.

        Also seems the Pritzkers have their fingers in a lot of pots:

        Also it’s rather interesting how both Soros and the Pritzkers have their fingers in all sorts of ‘trans’ stuff:
        Trans-Pacific Partnership
        TransCanada Corporation

        Thank you, lovetruthcourage. I’ll have to do some research into this as I wasn’t aware of any of this.

        I started as a baffled woman being told on the intertubes that transwomen are women and not daring to ask exactly how that worked out of fear of the usual bashment that curious and intelligent people get by thugs and bullies. I was also, as the modern saying goes, creeped on by one of them, even a male friend of mine told me they were being typical predatory wankers. That’s how I began my journey to seeking other voices than the onslaught in the media and elsewhere by Fun Femmies that these trans jokers were somehow able to be something they weren’t just by saying so. Now I’m just fucking angry and when I’m angry I seek the truth of the matter, whatever it may be.

        I finally found some amazing Rad Fem spots on the web that are talking sane points and precisely address this latest phenomenon of the erasure of women as human beings. Saved my sanity to find these posts and upon finding TransWidow’s post all I did the first day I found it was grieve for her and all of the other women suffering because of pure fantasy as entertained by some selfish individuals. It’s the Nth form of patriarchy!

        We are reduced to ‘menstruators’ and ‘pregnant people’?! Really?!

        Not on my watch!

        Thanks again!

        Liked by 3 people

      • Don’t forget Transunion credit reporting agency! Yes, many Pritzker companies, proposals, and orgs have “trans” in the name. They are from Chicago, as am I. “Jennifer Natalya” Pritzker is the MtT who previously was named James Nicholas Pritzker and he was born in 1950. Like most MtT, he has a military background. Wikipedia notes that, “In 2016, through her Foundation, Pritzker gave a $2 million donation to create the world’s first endowed academic chair of transgender studies, at the University of Victoria in British Columbia; Aaron Devor was chosen as the inaugural chair.[21]” So, now he has a paid mouthpiece for pro-trans with the proper academic gravitas. Still doesn’t turn Devor’s mandated opinions into facts.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I love you!

        You are brave and amazing and you are helping others, selflessly. Your suffering is personal and yet universal.

        You are my sister and our sisterhood is now beyond suffering, it is being erased. I send you some fierce and firey love and only hope that as you move on in time and space that your spirit only grows stronger, not weary and beaten. If only I could do more.

        They have to tell 100% lies about you. They have to say your experiences don’t exist. They have to be completely and impotently egregious in what they say precisely because what you say, as you tell it like it is, will resonate with others and that ‘viral marketing’ is so very dangerous to them. MSG and fake flavourings cannot replace real spices and Concord grapes! They know that.

        All the best to you! ❤

        Liked by 3 people

      • GenderDysphoriaCritical, I am seriously going to print out bits of this comment and your last comment (“I am legion” for one, holy crap thank you) and post them around in my house for inspiration and affirmation.

        I wish I could help you love yourself because you are straight up amazing and awesome.

        Liked by 2 people

  8. Commenting to second this:
    “Patriarchy is great at getting women to be life-long slaves and baby machines without much thought, how much harder to get women to bow down to well and truly narcissistic brutes? Not so very much.”

    I’ve had my own experiences with putting unpopular stories, experiences, and interpretations on the internet, and the best thing I can say is thank you for telling your truth. Your stories are eloquent and ring true to me because of my own experiences with narcissistic males.

    Most people who are oriented wholesomely do not desire partners with varying degrees of delusion and extreme self-focus. Sometimes peoples’ difficulties interlock and make their relationship work when it would not for most everyone else. If a woman believes herself happy with her transwoman partner, I am glad for her, but in my own heart rings the truth of GenderDysphoriaCritical’s statement that I quoted above. I can only hope, for the sake of the dissenters here, that we are wrong about what their futures likely hold.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Rebel13,

      Amen to that!

      They can’t have women sharing their stories, they can’t have an oppressed peoples’ voices be heard. If that happens then the whole sham is seen for what it is. Look how they all worked, tirelessly, to silence Magdalen Berns over in Scotland. If you don’t know her story you can see this brave and amazing soul here:

      The reason I find any stories to the contrary as being suspect is because, just like Faux News, these people come across as the Uncle Tom’s and Aunt Jemima’s of the transcult. I have seen tokenism used to bash my own experiences with racism, misogeny, and other forms of oppression. We’ve all seen it. Tokenism has never cut it with me and when I’ve barged in with questions blaring and never had them answered or, even worse, been supremely patronised by smirking and smug gits it has only made me dig my heels in more and more. I don’t like non-answers or closed arguments from that token one person.

      The fact that TransWidow is now on the radar for transcult PR will make for an interesting future here.

      I’ve been quiet on all the Rad Fem blogs because I have never felt the right to say anything. Even though I’m a woman suffering along with the rest of us women I don’t have the self love I deserve to think anything I say matters. I haunt and read and digest everything I get and know that I’m not alone, which is a great support already! But when I saw that the transculties are attacking this sole woman who has gone through the gambit of pointless suffering, because another individual couldn’t get their shit together enough to be honest with themselves and seek their truth out without a cult interfering, I became super angry. The protective mum in me came out, the angry sister, the passionate and non-conformist aunt barged into the room to send some love to TransWidow, a woman on the front lines! Also, I had to put some good old smack-down in there because real women are dying, being disfigured, being enslaved by men all the damn time and some wanker with a penis is going to tell me I’m violent for telling him that he is a HE?!

      No, dear, no.

      Keep up your own self love, I pray, as I’m a good example of how I can’t stick up for myself but I will for another. Talk about how poisonous patriarchy is getting us women to do that. Now, at least, I put my love and fire where it’s well deserved for others and one day, perhaps, for myself.

      Dissenters can dissent if they aren’t tokenists, imho.

      Liked by 2 people

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