10 Things You’re Actually Saying when You Ignore Someone’s Gender Pronouns

A friend of mine recently shared this article on social media.

In response, here are the things you’re actually saying to me when you ask me to use your preferred pronouns instead of those that correspond to your birth sex.

  1. You’re asking me to be dishonest for you. If you want to misrepresent yourself (or simply hate your body) that’s your prerogative, but I resent you asking me to lie to, for and about you. Living honestly is important for ME too. A tolerant world would allow us both to express our truth.
  2. MY sense of safety is not important to YOU. By redefining women not as people who produce ova, but as people who do/should wear sexualized and inconvenient clothing, or are vain, or prefer and are meant for submissive sex, you’re contributing to a world in which we aren’t safe. When our womanhood is thought of as behavioral, we are blamed for our own victimization and it is seen as justified. These definitions are especially offensive when they arise from people who aren’t women.
  3. You would prefer it if I stopped being honest with you. I might choose to call you by your preferred pronouns because you and your friends have bullied me, but I’ll be lying to you because I believe (and am allowed to believe as a fully competent, confident, thinking human) that my definition of woman is at least as valid as yours.
  4. As a corollary to the above, you expect me to bend my opinions to suit yours (not coincidentally as someone who is socialized male might expect).
  5. As another corollary to the above, you don’t mind bullying me.
  6. You’d prefer for me to humor you than you care about you. You’d like me to contribute to your delusion that you pass, which I see as harmful, as I’ve personally watched you be continually let down by the very real evidence that you don’t. You’d like me to join an ideology that punishes you for being a gender-nonconforming male and excuses your gender expression only if you renounce (and possibly mutilate) your physical sex.
  7. Women don’t matter. We can be erased or colonized. Our experience of our oppression can be disbelieved and ignored. The only thing that matters is men’s opinions on what women are and should be. And men shall define how we are allowed to react to matters that concern us.
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15 thoughts on “10 Things You’re Actually Saying when You Ignore Someone’s Gender Pronouns

  1. Wonderful analysis. I have been thinking about this topic over the past few weeks, myself. I got in a little fight with a friend of mine whose partner is MTT, and she asked, “So you want to erase the identity of trans people?” And while I didn’t say this, I thought, “Do you want to erase the sex-based analysis of womens’ oppression? Really? Who benefits? Men again?”

    Liked by 5 people

    • Funny how if you tell someone who’s a christian that you don’t share their belief that Jesus is their special god friend or that he even existed, they don’t accuse you of erasing the identity of christians. They just smile and say the will pray for you or some passive aggressive shit like that.
      Why do we have to profess to share these gender beliefs lest we be accused of metaphysical genocide? What’s wrong with knowing that a man in a female stereotypical dress with perhaps some cross sex hormones and added surgery is a man, an adult male? Why is the assumption that the reality of what a transwoman is is something so awful it cant be spoken of? It’s fucked up.

      Liked by 5 people

      • Maybe it has to do with the way Christians come to know themselves as Christians? Do Christians think that somewhere in their body/”soul” is an immutable, innate identity of Christianity? I’m not sure on this. Surely some people think this way, but then there is mission work. When missionaries attempt to convert someone who hasn’t even heard of Christianity, are they trying to reveal an innate identity within them or give them a new identity that is more “true,” according to them? Another question is: how would evangelical genderists differ from evangelical Christians? Maybe that could provide answers about why there is a difference between their reactions to our disbelief. I get the feeling that Christians think about their beliefs less in terms of an innate identity. They just pity the fool who can’t “realize” that there is this magical world of God and Jesus.

        Gender is being promoted by genderists as being innate and bio-metaphysical (new word! yay!). To them, it is something that has always been there and they are simply revealing the truth now with their activism. There is the classic line of thought they espouse of, “I was always like this. I always was running outside and getting dirty when I was supposed to be playing with barbies. So my gender is ____.” It’s actually magical thinking that is pretty similar to religious thinking. It’s as if gender is a kind of metaphysical spirit or soul that we humans have no way of measuring but can be felt if you have faith. There’s no mention of science in their analysis. Just believe! Have faith! Believe and you will be saved and “moral,” and then men in dresses won’t send you death threats! The genderists have sided with the “nature” side of the complex “nurture vs nature” debate. Kind of arrogant of them, huh?

        Anyway, I hope this was clear. I’m just throwing out ideas. I feel a little scrambled today, so if this is disorganized, I’m sorry!

        o___O

        Liked by 1 person

      • “Funny how if you tell someone who’s a christian that you don’t share their belief that Jesus is their special god friend or that he even existed, they don’t accuse you of erasing the identity of christians.” Well. Some do. Some will tell you you’re being hateful, you can’t just let people live and believe what they want to believe. It’s very similar to how the transgender movement behaves.

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  2. Reblogged this on things I've read or intend to and commented:
    8. You are demanding that I obey you and submit to your whims and ignore my lying eyes.
    9. You are demanding that I participate in a non-consensual role playing game with you and if I refuse, you will try to shame me for it.
    10. You are telling me that you think women are really stupid.
    9.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Pingback: 10 Things You’re Actually Saying when You Ignore Someone’s Gender Pronouns | things I've read or intend to
  4. This has helped me crystalise some of the thoughts that I’ve had whirling around in my head for the last couple of years. Just want to throw in this…..

    You are asking me to rewrite my own history. If I call you ”she” I am colluding with your lie. You are asking me to say that I was wrong all along to believe that I was sharing my life with a man. You are asking me to say that all your problems can be blamed on the fact that you never were ”he”. I have to ask myself that if you are ”she”, then who were ”we”. I know who I am, and I cannot lie. I cannot take part in your delusion.

    Liked by 5 people

  5. The most important thing is that my right to pretend I’m a man must be upheld at all cost. If I describe myself as masculine, then I must be male, that’s how this works, right? Of course everyone knowns I’m nothing close to a man, that much is obvious to anyone with eyes. I’m a dickless wonder who wants/needs to be validated as a man and God damn it I have the right to be so validated!

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    • Exactly. It’s basically a power play meant to force the entire world to validate and participate in their fetish publicly. And here’s the thing, they have every right to enjoy and participate in their own fetish, no matter how gross or weird other people think it is. Wanna mutilate your body? Go for it! Wanna wear a dress? Well frankly it’s not MY business. Wanna have a fake “lesbian” relationship with an actual woman? Go right ahead! But just like with ANY other religion, the rest of us do NOT have to validate it or participate in it or believe in it. They are also violating us by expecting us to do so because technically forcing/coercing someone to engage in your sexual fetish is… Wait for it… RAPE. so yeah, walk around on a leash, wear a fucking harness, put on a dress and some heels, I really don’t give a fuck. But stop expecting us to validate or accept their bullshit. No means NO.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. This is all so true. I started by being willing to use people’s pronouns out of kindness but, as time has gone on, have reached a point where I’m no longer prepared to lie. The only reason activists chant “transwomen are women” is because women have babied them into believing that we actually believe transwomen are female. Which we don’t. Now I speak as I find.

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    • So true! My ex was convinced that either 1) I was a big fat liar and everyone in the world thinks he’s a woman but me, and 2) Those of us who don’t think he’s a woman are rare evil crazy transphobes.

      Why? Because the vast majority of people are lying about this. To keep from hurting feelings, because they think it’s the “ally” thing to do, because they’re afraid of getting dogpiled and called a TERF, because they’re socialized female and aren’t prepared for the inevitable conflict. Meanwhile, those of us who are brave enough to say otherwise are paying the price for all this deception.

      Tho I’ve come to really appreciate the unexpected rewards of living honestly and bravely.

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  7. Oh please… gender is much more that whether one has a penis or a vagina, or whether one’s blood swims in testosterone or estrogen. That’s just biological sex. Nobody bats an eyelid when I show myself in public in a pair of trousers, or whenever I wear my husband’s biker jacket. But I wouldn’t want to see people’s reactions if he shows up in public in skirts! Don’t you realise it’s all a case of social programming? Scottish men wear skirts, but we’ve been exposed to it so much that we consider it normal.

    Regarding your first point, then I hope you wouldn’t mind me referring to you as a “he” because, your words, you wouldn’t “expect me to bend my opinions to suit yours”, and it is my well formed opinion that you must be a male 🙂

    So, to you, dismissing someone’s gender identity is being “honest” to that person; because you’re basically telling them that you don’t give a hoot about how they feel about themselves, but instead you made up your own mind about what they are based on their exterior appearance; and being the disrespectful person that you are, want to shove down your unwanted and hurtful views down that person’s throat just to make a point. Let me tell you something sister. The sun will still shine tomorrow, whether you’ll be around to see it or not. Your limited view of how things should be is really imprisoning you in your little, personal world.

    My dear, the quicker you move on, make some real friends and, who knows, maybe start a new fulfilling relationship, the quicker you will heal. In other posts, you preach about “love” as if you loved your ex-husband, as if you know anything about love. From what I read in your posts I see very little of that. All I see is resentment and hatred. Bear in mind that, whether your husband would have transitioned or not, you will both grow old, and his and your sexual (and other) functions will cease. If you’re so concerned about that now, I would have had serious doubts how long you would have stayed together once the REAL problems start.

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    • Emily, you have a reading comprehension problem.

      Here are a few things you should have noticed if you were paying attention:

      1. “Gender” is not about vaginas and penises, sex is.
      2. I don’t give a shit if men wear dresses.
      3. I don’t give a shit if you refer to me as “he.”
      4. I’m not the one shoving views down throats. I don’t try to coerce others’ language; they try to coerce mine.
      5. You’re responding to a post that’s almost a year old as if it’s new.
      6. I don’t need advice about love from someone so clearly filled with hate.

      Oh, and one more thing — it would not have been “hard” to be “brought up as a boy”. I would have loved that, as would most women I know.

      I’d respond to your other comments, or future ones, if I thought you were actually reading before commenting. But your preconceptions have you beating up on straw men, so goodbye.

      Like

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