A Moment of Clarity on Autogynephilia

Men do not know and cannot know what it feels like to be a woman. Anything they come up with is, by definition, a man’s conception of the alleged feeling and not a woman’s reality.

Women don’t “feel like” women, for one thing.

There have been many times when my ex tried to “prove” that I identify as a woman because I wear eyeliner (infrequently, at that) or have been seen in a dress.

But the way that I “present” is merely in service to getting by in the world. I can assure you that if I lived on a desert island, or even in a commune populated by women only, I would never send a blazer to a dry cleaner again.

Every person dresses to get by in the world, even as one person’s assessment of how to best do that differs from another’s. People wear clothes for reasons, whether those clothes are typical or atypical for their sex.

A woman might wear a suit because she’s on her way to a job interview and wearing a suit is expected to make a good impression on the hiring manager.

A woman might wear a dress because she has a date with a man and she has reason to believe he’ll find it attractive.

A woman might wear jeans and flannel because she values comfort over the attention of others, or because she wants to attract women rather than men, or because it’s cold, or because she’s on her way to work and will be crawling under cars.

What would be the point in dressing in a way other than in service to one’s goals or comfort?

Why wear a space suit on a date? Or a bikini to a welding job? Or cuff links to a mud wrestling match?

What does it mean when a man dresses in a way that actually sabotages his goals?

Why would a man spend precious time applying makeup and prosthetics, when doing so makes him less attractive to the heterosexual women he is attracted to? And less likely to find a job doing something he enjoys? And more likely to be harassed on the street?

That man would be dressing for himself. For his own gaze. For vanity. What else can this be called?

Dressing for one’s own pleasure at steep cost to one’s goals, social standing, comfort and safety is almost literally masturbation.

To do so daily, compulsively, with a sense of importance, and to demand that its importance be recognized by those with no stake in it, is a tremendous indulgence in vanity indeed.

Such a man dresses not because he actually knows what it feels like to be a woman, nor because it confers social advantage, nor because it’s the path of least resistance. What is left?

Autogynephilia. By definition, by tautology.

A man, dressing in a manner that he deems “womanly,” for his own (inescapably male) gaze.

 

 

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38 thoughts on “A Moment of Clarity on Autogynephilia

  1. “Why would a man spend precious time applying makeup and prosthetics, when doing so makes him less attractive to the heterosexual women he is attracted to?”

    Um, the career of David Bowie suggests this is not a universal…

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    • David Bowie was not trying to be a woman either. He stated clearly in interviews that the dresses he wore were men’s dresses tailored for a man, gender bending, sure, but always masculine. He was also married at the time…

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    • Have you failed to notice that artists use shock value to garnish attention? KISS painted faces, Vanilla Ice shaved eyebrows, Misfit’s Mohawks, MC Hammer’s hanging crotch pants, part of stage presence is being outrageous.

      That doesn’t mean it applies to all folks in regular society. Try painting your face like “star child” at your next interview. Shave the sides of your head into a Mohawk for your next date and see how that goes over.

      The fact is heterosexual women arent attracted to females. If they were they would be lesbians. So when men try to emulate the sexual characteristics of women and then call women bigots for not being attracted to them, it’s essentially a big narcissistic hissy fit of: “fuck YOUR preferences, only *I* can have a preference”. It’s the autogynephilliac version of the morbidly obese greasy fedora wearing “nice guy” who is angry the hot cheer leader doesn’t want to bang his dungeons and dragons playing cheeto eating ass.

      Rarely do you see women who shave their head, wear flannels and shit kickers, morbidly obese and chewing tobacco screaming at men from their semi trucks for not finding them attractive. And that’s because women arent raised as entitled to sex as men are. We would call this type of woman fucking delusional, and all of society would agree, but if we say this about their male counterparts women are called bigots!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. And by the way, I am not “angry at my partner’s disclosure.” I’m angry and sad because he left our marriage, which I thought we both intended to be permanent.

    Are you going to be another one of these guys who isn’t reading carefully, but is seeing what he wants to see?

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Pingback: A Moment of Clarity on Autogynephilia – Critiquing Transgender Doctrine & Gender Identity Politics
  4. “Being female is not fun and not for everyone.” Well, regardless of whether being female is ‘fun’ or not, it is a material reality for over fifty percent of the world’s population. Even the very small percentage of transsexuals who fully transition from male to female will never menstruate or “bleed” as you so charmingly put it, because they possess only one X chromosome, and do not have a uterus or ovaries. It’s all superficial, unlike ‘being’.

    Though I do like your solution. Black people who don’t find being black is fun or ‘for them’ should take your advice an simply bleach their skin, straighten their hair and go for a bit of “Europeanising’ plastic surgery. Voila! Problem solved. They would be instantly transformed -white: inside and out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Due to the worldwide violence against women, males now outnumber females. One more example of how Homo sapiens is turning Nature on her head, but we can rest assured that Nature will win out in the end.

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  5. “Men do not know and cannot know what it feels like to be a woman.”

    Similarly women cannot know and do not know what it’s like to be a male.

    “But the way that I “present” is merely in service to getting by in the world.”

    This is not unique to your sex. The fear of violence, and homelessness is exactly what prevents males from engaging in gender non-conformity, or even from transitioning until late in life.

    “What would be the point in dressing in a way other than in service to one’s goals or comfort?”

    Well for starters, being told that you only want to dress that way because you’re a sexual deviant who is guilty of appropriation.

    “Why would a man spend precious time applying makeup and prosthetics, when doing so makes him less attractive to the heterosexual women he is attracted to? And less likely to find a job doing something he enjoys? And more likely to be harassed on the street?

    That man would be dressing for himself. For his own gaze. For vanity. What else can this be called?”

    You’re assuming this hypothetical person is attracted to women. What if they have no sexual preference at all? Also, why shouldn’t a male want to dress for themselves? After all, the hypothetical female you mention above dresses in jeans and flannel in order to experience personal comfort. This later hypothetical also completely negates your previous statement that “Every person dresses to get by in the world…”.

    I’m sorry that you were hurt by a predatory male. This does not entitle you to behave with the same disregard for human decency that this man inflicted upon you. Own your hypocrisy and change. Alternatively, accept that you are a bigot.

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    • You know, these comments from autogynephiles who have read three paragraphs of my blog and have gotten angry are really getting old.

      “You’re assuming this hypothetical person is attracted to women.”

      I’m not “assuming” anything, I’m speaking about a particular person. Not that there aren’t plenty of others out there.

      And I was not “hurt by a predatory male”.

      “Also, why shouldn’t a male want to dress for themselves?”

      They do and I already answered why. Autogynephilia.

      Further comments by people attacking straw men will be deleted.

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      • “You know, these comments from autogynephiles who have read three paragraphs of my blog and have gotten angry are really getting old.”

        The snark is totally unwarranted. I’m not trans. I am however taking issue with your biggotry. You understand that this reads as deliberate antoagonism right? Many biggots deliberately rattle the cages of people they consider to be mentally ill, and it’s galling for sane people to see.

        “And I was not “hurt by a predatory male”.”

        In your ‘My Story’ post you claim you were victimized by your ex-husband’s transition. You’re a “widow”? Who killed your husband? Who took him from you? Are you not claiming victimhood? Are you not a martyr?

        Clearly you’re entitled to delete this post, and I fully expect you to, but please check your hatred before you become another GenderTrender. Trans people aren’t your enemies. You just happened to get a raw deal. Shit happens. I’m truly sorry. ❤

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      • Do you really have that much of a reading comprehension problem? I suggest you read again, and check your own bigotry. You’re seeing what you want to see, not what’s there.

        Liked by 2 people

    • You can stop trying to bullshit us with the claim that men fear violence in the way women do. Men are much more equipped to protect themselves, men do NOT fear being impregnated and forced to gestate their rapist’s child.

      You will NEVER know fear of assault like a woman knows it. Because you don’t have the anatomy required to have a myriad of more levels of vulnerabilities to contend with.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Homosexuals are a very small part of the human population, that SAME ratio applies to transgendered. Read up on Dr Ray Blanchard studies and many more to find that the vast majority of males who transition are in fact that autogynephilliacs, which by definition, are attracted to themselves in feminine garb, but this has NO bearing on the fact they remain heterosexual and still attempt to cow tow women into returning their affections.

      Like

  6. You know, if women hate these things about themselves, it just might be because women are told to hate femaleness — it is the societal norm. I am female and have never felt this way toward myself.

    And by the way, biology IS destiny. You were born and you will die. It seems that the majority of human beings think they will live forever — the same sort of magical thinking that men who want to pretend they are women engage in — but I assure you no one will.

    Biology needn’t be destiny if destiny is defined as marriage, having children, rigid sex roles, etc. This is not destiny, this is societal expectations. Our only destiny is to be born, to live in our bodies whether male or female, and to die.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. “Maybe you should explore your own gender if you don’t feel like a woman?”

    Ah, this old thing.

    When I asked my SO about what it was to feel like “a woman” he muttered something vague about feeling pretty and caring about appearance and being soft and gentle. I pointed out that I care about none of those things and his face lit up: “Maybe you’re trans too!”

    No. I am not. A man is not going to define womanhood for me and a man is not going to categorize me as something other than a woman just because I’m not preoccupied with his stereotypical “femme” pastimes.

    Liked by 2 people

    • “A man is not going to define womanhood for me and a man is not going to categorize me as something other than a woman just because I’m not preoccupied with his stereotypical “femme” pastimes.”

      Oh. DAMN. Well that really sums it up nicely.

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    • My fucking gawd. Female is not gender, female is a SEX category. I can not believe some asshole man up in here is telling us to explore our genders if we don’t feel female. How freaking sexist. I am a female because I was born one, it has NOTHING to do with my feelings. That’s like telling a black person to explore their feelings of blackness if they don’t like rap music or join a gang. There assholes are using sexist sterotypes to define biological reality and then have the Audacity to pretend we are the bigots??!?!?

      I am so sick of these chauvinistic perverts trying to tell me what the fuck female is. Nope, I won’t have it. I wont have some narcissistic dick owner tell me how female i am after having given birth three times. Go tell your mama how unfemale she is, so she can smack the sense into your ass she should have done decades ago, ya porn sick perverts!

      Liked by 2 people

      • If there were any white people who claim to be transracial,and that they were born with a black person’s mind in a white person’s body,and that’s why they can’t help loving to eat a lot of fried chicken and water melon and they love to shine white people’s shoes etc,I’m pretty certain this wouldn’t go over too well and would actually be strongly criticized and questioned as so racist!

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  8. The real sad part is the patriarchal expectation on a person, but especially on a woman, to dress not for their own pleasure but totally and exclusively for “goals” in the outside world. You have, unfortunately, internalized this, and many women (and some men) do.

    I was at Occupy Cork in late 2011 once (all peaceful, no danger whatsoever) and the temperature was below freezing as the buns around closed. I cringed at seeing some girls who approached to inquire about the Occupy crowd – in miniskirts with bare legs. Not that I don’t often, in other contexts, like the sight – but not when my primary feeling is “she’s going to freeze her private parts badly, can I please bring her a blanket or something”. But these girls were taught by society to be so desperate for external goals they forgot all about their own comfort and safety.

    Thankfully, the liberal/progressive movement has made big strides in this particular area in the West. The ladies that were *in* the Occupy camp were dressed for the weather, of course, being a part of that movement.

    But it’s not just the weather. Women – genetic women who identify as women – do dress for their own aesthetic and sexual comfort, too, whether “femming up” or “butching up” or anything in between. The sex positive movement did much for that.

    As for your question, “what is left”, I think the SCOTUS answered that best. “Intimate choices that define personal identity and beliefs”. In times recently past, and in places North Carolina today, it was/is “the path of least resistance” and good for “social goals” for LGB persons to not draw attention to their sexual preference – but some still do. No different for the T really.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I realize I’m about a year late in reading and commenting, so please forgive the tardiness.

    First, thank you for this post. I read it very carefully and I hope I did your work justice by that effort.

    I suppose I come rather close to being one of the autogynephile men you describe (but only very moderately so, and not “in transition” in any sense). What I’d like to do is offer some gentle feedback that you may–MAY–never have heard before.

    “Men do not know and cannot know what it feels like to be a woman. Anything they come up with is, by definition, a man’s conception of the alleged feeling and not a woman’s reality.”

    This is a really important point–one that I hadn’t considered before, so thank you for that–and I absolutely think MtF trans women could use different language to describe their feelings that doesn’t presume to know and understand a woman’s experience. I can definitely see how it’s offensive. I think what they are trying to say is that they internally feel like the perceived external MODEL of a woman. I don’t mean JUST looks or anything superficial; “model” here could include things that society most often associates with the feminine gender, like sensitivity, empathy, expression of emotion, etc. So yeah, you have a good point. Men can’t “feel like a woman”. But that doesn’t mean that women are COMPLETE mysteries to men. I think what transgender men are feeling is the desire to emulate the positive aspects of the external societal model of womanhood.

    “Why would a man spend precious time applying makeup and prosthetics, when doing so makes him less attractive to the heterosexual women he is attracted to? And less likely to find a job doing something he enjoys? And more likely to be harassed on the street?

    That man would be dressing for himself. For his own gaze. For vanity. What else can this be called?”

    No doubt this is the case with many MtF transgender men who fit the autogynephile model. In my case, however, the underlying goal of crossgender expression is not to gaze upon myself, but to fulfill the desire for the WORLD to see ME as I see a woman. So it’s an odd sort of “displacement” of desired gender identity perception. I don’t particularly care to see MYSELF any certain way, specifically; maybe that’s why there’s no erotic arousal present when I paint my nails or wear leggings. I don’t know if that makes sense or not, but to me it feels decidedly different than the standard “self-gaze” autogynephilia model.

    Thank you for this blog. I disagree with some of your points of view, but I respect them. I’m sorry that your husband behaved selfishly towards you.

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    • Thanks for your respectful comment.

      “I think what transgender men are feeling is the desire to emulate the positive aspects of the external societal model of womanhood.”

      I’m trying not to sound rude, but I’m not at all sure why this idea seems particularly novel or insightful to you. At best, it is commonly espoused. At worst, it is seemingly untrue. MtFs don’t transition into grandmothers or master bread bakers or midwives. They transition into divas and fashionistas.

      Also, for whatever it’s worth…

      “what they are trying to say is that they internally feel like the perceived external MODEL of a woman”

      …my ex will not agree with this, as he believes he is literally a woman and has every right to speak as one.

      “there’s no erotic arousal present when I paint my nails or wear leggings.”

      You may be misidentifying eroticism. A couple of things: one, a woman would not paint her nails on a desert island. Doing so is a social statement. Doing so outside of social gain is for personal benefit, or more directly personal gaze, which is ironically more of an interest to a person socialized male than female. In case it isn’t clear, I’m drawing a parallel between performing femininity on a desert island and performing femininity outside social gain (as a straight male who’ll be punished for it), not suggesting you’d paint your nails on a desert island.

      Two, femininity is itself the training of women into the role of sexual servitude for men. There are no performances or trappings of femininity that aren’t about this. This isn’t obvious to most people, especially to men who benefit from it, because the training is so complete and effective. So an interest in femininity is an interest in being eroticized, whether or not people are especially conscious of that.

      I won’t accuse you of being like my ex, since I don’t know you, but his interest in cross-dressing started as erotic and involved porn. Once he for whatever confluence of social reasons decided that he was a woman, he forgot and disowned the erotic aspect. The erotic aspect is subtle to men because it is gratifying, not just masturbatory, and because of men’s socialization as beneficiaries of female sexualization as opposed to victims of it. Anne Lawrence, who is a self-identified AGP and a clinical sexologist, has some pretty insightful writing about this.

      All that said, I’m glad that you came back from the brink, for whatever reasons you did. It’s healthier for you and makes for a better world for women. So thanks for that.

      Like

      • Wow, lotta good stuff to consider here. Thank you for dialoging with me. I want you to know that I appreciate your insights (tragically gained as they might have been) and I take them very seriously.

        Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

      • By the way, this:

        “The erotic aspect is subtle to men because it is gratifying, not just masturbatory, and because of men’s socialization as beneficiaries of female sexualization as opposed to victims of it.”

        …is something I’ll be thinking a lot about. As a man, I had no idea of this perspective on it.

        Liked by 1 person

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