What Happened to Me was Predictable

I once belonged to an email group for the spouses of transgender people. I also visited online forums for spouses. I read Christine Benvenuto’s Sex Changes and the few blogs on the topic I could find.

I hadn’t done any of that in a long while, as it had become obvious that I wouldn’t be the spouse of a transgender person for much longer. But yesterday, someone pointed me to an article, and I found myself again browsing one of these spouses’ forums.

What struck me, as I looked with fresh eyes, is that every spouse there is saying the same things, and has always said the same things, and will always say the same things. And they say them like they’re new and unique, but they all say them, and they all try and try and try to find fresh new answers, and they all fail to do so in the same way.

This came out of the blue and it happened practically overnight. He seemed happy before and none of his friends or family suspected a thing. 

My spouse is narcissistic. Everything is “Me me me me me.” He doesn’t talk about anything but himself and has lost empathy for others. 

Our sex life has ended. What can we do? We’ve tried new activities, toys, Viagra, counseling. But it’s gone. He doesn’t even look at me anymore. 

There have been no compromises. Every boundary has been crossed. He’s on fast forward, and he doesn’t care how I feel. His attitude is “take it or leave it.” He’s leaving me behind. 

He has stopped working. He won’t even look for a job. 

I do all the housework. He hasn’t washed one dish since he came out. 

He is moody, depressed, suicidal; he throws tantrums. 

He has started acting like a child. He changed his avatar to an anime schoolgirl. He is wearing a sparkly Disney princess t-shirt. He has his eye on a pair of pink mary janes and wants to wear them with white knee socks. What is this? This isn’t how grown women behave!

He won’t communicate with me. I have questions and fears, but he gets angry if I bring them up. 

He imagines he is being persecuted when he is not.

He’s insanely insecure and needs constant reassurance. 

He’s not the same person anymore. He’s unrecognizable in every way. He gets mad if anyone mentions this. 

He spends hundreds of dollars on clothes and shoes and then lies to me about it. 

He has decided he wants an open relationship. He has decided to date men. He’s told me to take it or leave it. 

He has stopped caring about his kids. 

All of these happened to me except the last few (we don’t have kids).

This is an oddly specific list. This is not the list of things experienced by the average depressed or anxious person. This is not the list of things experienced by a supposedly comparable group: gay people who come out, even those who are rejected by friends and family or who struggle to reconcile their orientation with their religion. This isn’t even a list of the side effects of HRT (or “second puberty” as some call it) because this list of things happens to transgender people who don’t opt for hormones.

This is just the transgender experience. Narcissism, sexual dysfunction, partner neglect, childishness, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control. Tell me again why this is a normal human variation?

It didn’t matter that I thought my marriage was stronger than most, that I thought that my husband was smarter and kinder than most. This was my inevitable trajectory.

Indeed, when I first told my therapist, who is experienced with couples in which one partner is transgender, that I intended to stay, she said, “I’ll support your decision but you’re in for a world of hurt.” I looked at her askance; I didn’t yet know what she could have meant.


58 thoughts on “What Happened to Me was Predictable

    • Yeah, male personality disorder. It should be in the DSM, lol! I’d rather say that than “borderline,” because most diagnosed “borderlines” are women and they’ve already received a lifetime of invalidation and abuse.

      Liked by 6 people

  1. It’s astounding how they follow the same script. Mine also said he wants to be “a girly little girl”; I told him that he might be transgender but there is no such thing as trans-age.

    Or do they all secretly want to be Steph-on-knee?

    Liked by 7 people

    • I have been reading Pinknews and there are a bunch of 60yo “transgirls” who dress up like Barbie dolls, constantly talk about how sexy they are, and accuse gay folk of being “disgusting repugnant perverts”

      They have sex doll names and they brag about all the straight men who beg them for sex

      The hatred for women (we are fish holes) and gay men (perverts) is extreme.

      They attack gay men on pink news and when they get pushback they run to FB with screenshots and cry persecution. They then say that gay people deserve all of the hate that they receive because gays are TERFs and bigots.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Yep, they do all want to be steffonknee. See, woman = vulnerable, sex object, defenseless and that REALLY revs up the sado-masochistic libido. But girl is those things EVEN more, plus it includes the deflowering of innocence which adds a whole new level of debauchery…

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Great post – it’s good to see everything put together into a Big Picture which is what most people are missing with regards to transpolitics. No, this is not normal human variation. It sounds more like a combination of narcissism and borderline personality traits. I’ve read some hair raising stuff where transactivists tell each other that threatening suicide is acceptable because it’s everyone else’s job to set emotional boundaries. I can’t think of a more socially irresponsible attitude to have. It’s everyone’s job to respect the human rights of others, which includes emotional boundaries where people have a right to NOT be abused mentally or emotionally. Threatening suicide is a way that abusers try to control their victims. Suicidal tendencies require a referral to a qualified psychologist, not thrust upon everyone else in hopes that they will say the right thing and make everything okay again. To wit – cluster b personality disorders also have a higher than average rate of suicide as well as abuse and battery, which is exactly why normalizing these behaviors is so dangerous.

    Liked by 9 people

    • Insightful reply. I agree with the original author that MTT is looking like a particular, specific disorder, and, yes, it does look like it has many cluster b elements, plus some sexual obsessions (high rate of pornography addiction) and dissociative disorder (the old multiple personality disorder) thrown in. Is this what happens to a narcissist with underlying dissociative/multiple personality disorder and a porn addiction? It is way past time that this be treated seriously as a specific disorder, nothing more.

      I think other things are going on for FTTs, largely a lot of resistance to the limitations of femininity, push back from others for being lesbian, and dissociative responses to sexual abuse. I don’t see FTT and MTT as particularly similar, only that we are told they are similar by MTT activists.

      Liked by 6 people

      • im interested that you mention dissociative disorder – my experience with my ex was very confusing and im not in any way qualified to say, but i thought was strongly suggestive of DD along with pathological narcissism.i couldnt understand why everyone was just going along with it when it was so clearly a mental health crisis to me..! along with the gaslighting, some of his behaviours really threw me.. diagnosed and expensively treated chronic, painful, physical conditions just suddenly vanished and out went the splints and crutches and special boots… Overnight. he changed his name, gender and clothing and shut down and deleted anything associated with his past, he went from exclusive tea drinker to exclusive coffee drinker, non smoker to smoker, lesbophobic straight male to ‘lesbian woman’,always the obsession with lesbians… he filled his flat with mirrors where previously they had been noticeable by their complete absence.. he was for years, continuously in some kind of treatment or other at the maudsley for mental health problems which i thought were related to severe depression and PTSD… when he came out i asked him what his shrinks thought, which was the first time i ever heard the word autogynephilia….
        anyway, none of this has prevented him from accessing cross-gender validation on the NHS even though he is now in his 60’s.

        Liked by 4 people

  3. No one else understands this madness.

    It’s been 3 years since I left and I can’t get over how suddenly it happened after a decade together, we had started a family. We supported each other’s education, planning another child. Then bam! It’s like my husband got shot… by the “woman” inside him… and she was a terrifying monster. She ruined our lives. She was selfish and mean and bitchy. She was gaslighting and competitive. She was self-absorbed and vain… and she demanded attention, otherwise there was horrible drama. I lived like that for over a year, terrified, walking on eggshells until I escaped with our new baby in tow.

    No one else gets this stuff…

    Liked by 9 people

  4. He is a narcissist, but narcissism is the current baseline personality in the US.
    Feminists are similar narcissists.
    So are the entitled babies wailing about safe spaces in colleges when they are exposed to contrary ideas.

    The anger here is against a man who wants to be a female narcissist.
    Physically, he cannot.
    But in the modern academia-created idea that ‘gender binary’ is entirely a social construct, he can be.
    Because his feelings trump his biology.

    And worst of all, you can’t complain about it and remain tolerant, or, really, remain a feminist.
    Gender norms had a purpose, one of which was providing social utility for married males.
    But that’s all been upended by cultural Marxism, e.g., feminism.
    So what makes a “woman” as you have thus far defined it is no longer in fact true.
    “Woman” is whatever someone says it is.

    So I pray for you in this hard time, because I read your terrible pain and betrayal and my heart hurts for you.
    Repeatedly, I notice that the words you write here evince a discomfort with his violating gender norms and roles (father, husband, family, work).

    I admonish you to recognize your own role in destroying those selfsame norms.
    In a gender fluid society, i.e., one aimed solely at affirming the self, why shouldn’t he be an utterly worthless preening narcissist?


    • You are wrong to blame feminists. We never encouraged or wanted this. People can be any type of man or woman they want to be, but they can never be something that they are not, namely, the opposite sex.

      Liked by 3 people

    • Its clear you never studied marxism to even make these kinds of comments. Marx’s political analysis is based first and foremost on the “material dialectic”, which concedes reality is known by its source IN material existence. Under the material dialectic trans ideology is immediatly bullshit because its not rooted in material reality.

      Marx would argue its capitalist ideology to think one is what one consumes. Ie: woman is long hair/wig & lipstick. It is bourgeois insanity brought on by first world lack of meaning and purpose. You dont see this shit in the animal world or populations suffering serious battles with survival. When your #1 goal is get a clean glass of water to save your child you dont have time to pontificate about bullshit like your mini skirt makes you a woman…

      Come back and debate when you actually studied
      What you speak of, cause right now you just sound like an amalgamation of youtube mra and alt right ayan rand crap – not an academic…

      Liked by 3 people

  5. I greatly appreciate your response.

    But I disagree that you don’t care about gender roles.
    Because that’s nearly the entire discussion you wrote about in “What Do I Expect from Him?
    And it’s chock-a-block with textbook Feminism 101-speak.

    “how the gender binary harms women. I expect him to notice that the roles and behaviors assigned to women are not equal to (or even merely different from) the roles and behaviors assigned to men, but are specifically designed to extract women’s service for the benefit of men
    “ugly, male-supremacist system, …the sexualized, vain, subservient role created for women
    “to agree that we are those things patriarchy has said we ar …that it is our job to serve and worship men, that it is our lot to accept the subservient life men have chosen for us
    “I expect him to hold his fellow males accountable for the untruth of these gender roles
    “…prioritize the lived experience of the oppressed sex class
    “internalized patriarchy

    I actually agree with your conclusions that he is wrong and he is a malignant narcissist, and that it is is dangerous to let these people share locker rooms and toilets with women and girls.

    However, this is the expected end-result of cultural Marxism.
    How do you think this came about anyway?
    100-plus years of destroying religion, the family and gender roles has had its desired effects on those bulwarks of civilization.
    But you don’t like this ugly aspect of that destruction.

    “A woman is a person with a vagina.
    Sorry, not anymore.
    I work in a hospital, and now they ask “Gender assigned at birth?” rather than ‘Gender?.’

    You are far too late to object, and ethically wrong by the very framework of the cultural relativism.
    I would get fired for agreeing with you.


    • The “rules” for what a woman “should be” come from you, religionists and transgenderists, two sides of the same coin. They do not come from feminism. You’re done here, as you haven’t done the requisite reading.

      Liked by 9 people

    • It’s beyond baffling that you think you’re distinct from transgenderists. Transwidow’s ex and a great many men who have delusions about being women define “womanhood” very similarly to the way you and other religionists do: Women are weak, pliable, and made to serve men. That most MTFs don’t serve is irrelevant to these beliefs; MTFs don’t fundamentally believe they’re women anyway. You enable these beliefs just as much as the “cultural Marxists”. The only difference is that you are determined to force biological males and females into their constricted “gender” boxes; the “cultural Marxists” allow a few exceptions for biological males and females who claim to “feel like” the opposite sex.

      Liked by 6 people

    • There is plenty of narcississm in religion and “traditional roles”

      Just look at how dysfunctional Islamic societies are. Look at the Duggars. Religion is just another form of SJWism. And SJWism is cultish.

      Traditional is not better just because it is traditional.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I am not a cultural relativist. I still vehemently disagree with your attempt to blame feminist women for the narcissism of men. You should be asking about sex, not gender at the hospital. Since you are not, you are at least as guilty for this trend as anyone else. Push back or stop complaining hypocritically.

      Liked by 3 people

    • Yep, they do all want to be steffonknee. See, woman = vulnerable, sex object, defenseless and that REALLY revs up the sado-masochistic libido. But girl is those things EVEN more, plus it includes the deflowering of innocence which adds a whole new level of debauchery

      Liked by 1 person

    • You need to actually read Marx. He wrote at length about the “material dialectic”, meaning material reality is the context with which humans must define themselves in and anything outside of that is a bourgeois attempt to deflect from real oppression.

      Marx made it clear that sexual liberty movements were first world decadent concerns that the rich allowed to give a false veneer of progress.

      You frankly don’t know much about feminism or marxism, it’s clear from your little conservative talking points about “cultural marxism”.

      Liked by 3 people

    • No one has a gender at birth. thats just silly! – what kind of hospital is that then, that doesnt understand or feel the need to use correct basic grammar and accurate biological terms on medical documents? sounds dangerous.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Harsh rhetoric disallowing a woman and a human being her emotions, beliefs, pain and feminist identity after suffering years of psychological abuse. No one has that right; that entitlement; that privilege.

    I do not need permission or validation for my feelings, they exist and are brutal. My husband wasn’t fulfilling a stereotypical gender role, he was my equal partner and like many of us I earned more than he did, we shared chores, childcare etc. We were married. We were in love. He “died” suddenly when he became someone else. It was harsh. It was devastating. It was also traumatic to be so suddenly degraded and abused by him when I hadn’t done anything wrong and we had a young baby. He even recently apologized for the vile hatred he displayed to me.

    So my bereavement is not based materialistic need, it is genuine grief along with the traumatic confusion I experienced. I am very entitled to my own human feelings.

    Liked by 8 people

    • Yes. Yes you are. Never stop believing that. What so many of us have gone through has been a stripping of our rights to name or acknowledge our own emotions and responses to the situation we find ourselves in. We aren’t even allowed to hold on to the word we use for ourselves – women. What we go through feels like a very particular form of abuse. A form for which there is as yet no name. We must name it ourselves, and support each other in that endevour. Like all things that women have had to build from the ground up.

      Liked by 6 people

  7. They sound like heroin addicts.

    I don’t know if that really gets us anywhere. But as reading that list that’s what jumped into my head. Heroin addicts hiding the addiction. Strung out basketcases. Who won’t acknowledge what they’re doing. Or stop. Angry with the people who see them strung out.

    The little girl fetish thing? Holy crap. This may sound weird but, maybe they’re going to fetish clubs and being abused by somebody. And buying into it. And that’s why so many of them have these emotional deteriorations. I am NOT suggesting that the wives of these men somehow were supposed to have fixed that. If this creepy scenario I’ve hypothesized is true it should be categorized under extreme risk taking behavior. Women can’t fix men who do that.

    In her book Christine Benvenuto describes how her husband became nervous and angry, and lost weight and was depressed once he started going through the process of transition. That could be abuse. Of course that could also just be that they feel really guilty about doing the trans/fetish stuff. Men do feel guilty about abusing their wives and kids, and still keep abusing them. Not like there’s not lots to feel guilty about. Especially since in all the items trans widow mentions it’s clearly a fetish. So maybe they feel guilty about the fact they’re tearing up their whole lives and their families’ lives in order to masturbate better. 😣

    Liked by 6 people

  8. By the way I now “self identity” as a Transwidow. It is a perfect term and communicates how I feel. Our own dysphoria, betrayal and pain. Thank you. Plus, I think nonciswidow would be a mouthful.

    Liked by 7 people

  9. Petuniacat, let me say that, in my experience, the last thing that these men feel is guilt. They say that they have always “felt like” a woman, but have no idea what that actually means. Once they start attending a gender clinic and begin taking hormones they are given a green light to legitimise these “feelings”. Of course they have no idea how women feel or act, but one of the stereotypes that they catch onto is that women are physically and emotionally weak. My ex relished in his loss of muscle mass; he was no longer able to even toss a frying pan! There was an awful time when he focused on every physical symptom, not unlike a hypochondriac would do. He declared that he had always been afraid of me, and then this escalated to him saying that I was violent. In his abuse of me he wanted to be seen as the victim. It was never his fault.

    Liked by 5 people

    • “he had always been afraid of me, and then this escalated to him saying that I was violent”

      Oh my god, that happened to me too! And I was seriously NOT violent! Man they are all reading the same script.

      Liked by 6 people

      • Me four. Today my SO told me how he is afraid of me. He’s a 6’5″ 210 lbs weightlifter (and how he thinks he will ‘pass’ is anyone’s guess), I’m a tiny woman less than five feet tall. I have a very hard time taking his fear seriously. I’ve never been violent in my life.

        I wonder if there really is a script.

        Liked by 4 people

      • I just saw an MTT named marti36 arguing that 6’4 250lb Pat Hagan was justified in punching a woman’s teeth out in the bathroom because “she started it”

        Liked by 3 people

    • Me five. 😦 I am sorry you guys had to deal with that.
      Once he told his doctor that I and his grown son assaulted him. We had silently endured an afternoon/evening of drinking and vitriol about how much he was suffering and we finally wanted some peace so we retreated into the guest bedroom to talk in quietly. He kept coming through the door, yelling about his rights as a woman then leaving, slamming the door behind him.This went on for 25 minutes or so until finally his son literally picked him up, carried him outside the door and set him down, telling him to stop. He was quiet after that.

      Next we knew we had the psychologist on our case saying we had assaulted him and giving us statistics of violence towards Trans people. My ex said he wouldn’t press charges as it was his son and I. Meanwhile his son was an emotional wreck.

      Liked by 5 people

      • @transwidow You have made a reasonable argument for what appears to be a quintessential type of behaviour in relation to ‘tran’ who are married. There is a theme running through these accounts. I wonder why nobody else notices?

        Liked by 3 people

      • me six. at one point he tried to have my children taken away. he posed to social services as my ‘lesbian partner’. he told all our friends that i d been abusing him for years and that i wasn’t the nice jolly kind person they knew, that i wasnt who they thought i was! coming from him it was a bit rich, especially when so many of them chose to believe him of all people… and the madness – because it had been such a loving, happy relationship, we were so obviously happy together and he seemed so well and content i couldnt believe that people were so ready to believe such obvious lies. a devastating betrayal and erasure of a womans identity. its so disturbing to discover youve been married to someone like that and never had a clue. it makes you wonder what else they may be capable of.

        Liked by 3 people

  10. Yes, it’s amazing how the self absorption seems to turn suddenly into spewed hatred, name-calling and degradation. This done in the New persona of “drama bitch queen”-absolutely terrifying!

    Also try explaining gender dysphoria to a 5 year old, trying to understand why Dad is now called Suzanne and looks different.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Naefearty is a goddam great gift to transwidowhood Cissy – a true ally.unafraid to speak the truth.. one of the first people i felt i could trust afterward.. she was the beacon in my darkest night. it was her light that showed me the way through.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. And so much of this is learned, or copied from the internet trans spaces. My 45-year-old supposedly intelligent spouse raged at me, yelling “I bet you wouldn’t even use correct pronouns!”

    “Our language does not even HAVE gender-specific pronouns. WTF are you talking about?”

    He did not even realize that his talking point was not applicable.

    Liked by 3 people

  12. Nela are you still with him?

    I remember how unreal it felt. I used to take photos of crazy stuff like wigs, fake breasts, waist cinchers, shoes just to keep on my phone so I would realize it was actually happening. Sometimes it was easy to pretend that things were “normal” because that was what I wished for but my phone would help to validate my underlying emotions of distress and anxiety.

    Liked by 3 people

  13. A month, it’s still early for you. {{{{{hugs}}}}} It’s really good that you have found this site. It can be really tough, but trust yourself and protect your Own sense of reality and try to detach from his chaos. Reach out to anyone you can trust.

    Liked by 4 people

  14. That was spot on and written as only someone who has been there could write. I got exactly what you are saying. I started describing what happened to me as feeling like I was living with the other woman. It initially made him secretive, guilty and changed how my partner would go about his day and as it progressed it began to feel she as if she had moved in with us, taking over the bank accounts, the bathroom and finally me.She didn’t consult me about money and I was picking up after a stranger who would wear a miniskirt, fake butt and breasts and stilettos just to boil an egg Cause that’s what women do!
    The rules changed and I lost my autonomy at home.I had to accommodate her needs and wants and was informed that I had to change everything about myself as he was dead. She would want to sleep with me only if I accepted her and changed my sexual orientation. I couldn’t do that and was told if I loved them I would make the effort. Funny how he could change and scream about freedom and authentic self but I was not given the same respect .His psychiatrist told him I was to not make him feel bad as he was going through something traumatic and I had to make room for her.
    We can’t all be wrong about what is happening, can we. Perhaps psychiatrists should be made to live with and adjust to a partner who is doing this to understand the reality because from my perspective they don’t seem to have a clue.

    Liked by 4 people

      • True, he was a chef so he was the expert. Lol. Although our stories have personal aspects its the same underlying procedures. Lots of defensive attacks due to their attitudes. A few years in and I can still lose my ability to think straight if they are mentioned and I cannot always write cohesively . The safety net does not cover the partner. I am forgetful at times and cannot always get my thought together .
        All the people here seem to have been abandoned in some way, our loss is not considered as important. You guys are not in the wrong. No one expects this.

        Liked by 2 people

  15. Wow, I agree that the similarities of our experiences are astounding.
    The thing is that outside in normal society everything at home feels bizarre, shameful and isolating. That combined with the intense psychological abuse, name calling and terrorising makes the situation so intensely traumatic.

    Liked by 4 people

  16. Where are the MTT butch lesbians?

    What these conversations are always missing is an analysis of feminine behavior. Lesbians have done it and conclude that stereotypical feminine characteristics amount to ritualized submission to males. Misogyny means that females are expected to be feminine and are looked down on for it in a way that isn’t jarring because it is all pervasive. Females who do not do this, while out of line, are grudgingly admired as tomboys and viragos, in contrast the the shame of being a sissy.

    Gay liberation is skepticism of and freedom from gender. Masculinity represents a set of behaviors that allow an individual to dominate others and to exist in a hierarchy. Its characteristics are determined by the requirements of the military.

    It is easy to see why women would want to escape the feminine gender. But intelligent and sensitive men (especially, and ironically, the ones who have particularly close relationships with females early in life) would not want to take on militaristic values that turn “girl” into an insult.

    The solution is to abandon gender, and allow oneself to select from characteristics that aren’t bound by a dominance/submission relation. To take on the prescribed gender of the opposite sex challenges nothing but the fact that sex is an immutable characteristic – an absurd proposition. This is the trans perspective, and it erases gay as an effort to challenge gender itself. It is ultimately a brutal surgical “cure” for gayness.

    I’m a gay man. I don’t want to date a fussy, narcissistic, feckless drama queen. It is okay to criticize those characteristics, just as it is ok to point out and reject dominating, controlling behavior.

    Gender is not genetic or we wouldn’t have these exceptions that wax and wane with society’s tolerance of nonconformity. And not all homosexuality has the same etiology. There is, for instance, a very palpable militaristic homoeroticism that is set up precisely to harness the universal homosexual desires in men to make the military attractive. It is a reward with limits, granted on the basis of conformity to the needs of the state. Become a proper soldier and you can have the most intimate relationships legitimately with your comrades. Get married and have kids, and they’ll turn a blind eye to a special buddy relationship that is discrete. Everyone already knows this – it’s just not allowed to be spoken, and so many gay people have brainwashed themselves with biological arguments that do not protect them from extermination even (I don’t think the Nazis would have been more lenient thinking it was genetic). It can’t be genetic and then be found to be openly universal in other cultures and tacitly universal in our own.

    At any rate, there is nothing progressive about donning a set of behaviors that developed to facilitate the submission of females to males. That it is jarring on a male and provokes revulsion should lead us to question what it is, instead of just accepting it as an arbitrary variation or style, equal in status to the masculine opposite. It is not. It is a mark of oppression, and voluntarily so in males, which sends the message of low self worth that people pick up on and share.

    I’m a gay man who has never aspired to “femininity” and I’ve been accused of homophobia over it. Having discovered radical feminism, and its characterization of gender, I think I’m beginning to understand my emotional reaction to the effeminacy that seems to always be accompanied with narcissism. I’m ready to give voice to what I think a majority are already feeling.

    Clearly these roles are determined out of economic necessity, and the radical changes humanity has experienced have altered the facts on the ground. The imperative is no longer to produce as many soldiers and mothers as possible. War is impossible thanks to the bomb (unless they want planetary suicide), and overpopulation is a problem particularly with total automation approaching and the end of trade in human labor power as a way of life that determines everything else.

    We get to live through the upheaval and reconfiguration of human relations as economic necessities are negated.


  17. I never had to suffer an arsehole going the whole hog of ‘transitioning ‘, he would just obsessively take speed, drees up in women’s clothes, wank & beat the shit out of me for 16 years but one thing I have noticed on this site is so many of you say “it was all so happy, then he sprung it on me”. NO! You just didn’t know! I’m awfully sorry to further ruin your lives, but really every second of your marriage was a lie. He was masturbating in your, your sister’s, your daughter’s knickers every time your back was turned, he knew every place locally where he could (illegally) buy hardcore porn, he spent more money on clothes than you were ever allowed to. Also, I don’t know if the rush to diagnose is a feature of being an American blog (I would describe this behaviour as masculine, rather than any pathology) but the over use of the term borderline personality disorder rather upsets me: when I finally managed to leave him, after he was sent down, I was referred to anNHS psychiatrist to help deal with the obvious trauma. On my 1st appt I described how, on a few occasions he’d strangled me with a phone cord till I passed out & he thought I was dead & my entire head(including eyes) was a mass of broken capillaries from the neck up. The doctor’s response was “was that a sex game gone wrong?”, & he (of course it was a he) diagnosed me as borderline. Subsequently, he& other psychiatrists never once asked me this ‘relationship’, but repeatedly asked if I’d been sexually abused as a child, despite me v vehemently saying I hadn’t. I think they rather got off on it. So I tend think of borderline personality disorder as something of a bullshit diagnosis given to women who don’t fit the mould.


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