“I read that divorce causes symptoms similar to those of withdrawal, my mom said. She’s a recovered addict.

That explains the feeling that there is a huge gaping hole where my chest should be.

That explains the soul-crushing pain I continue to feel even as I keep a ton of social appointments, even as I keep busy, even as I review the situation over and over and determine that nothing has changed and nothing is within my power to fix.

“You’ve been together a third of your life,” another friend noted.

I’ve never been a doormat, but I can’t stop reconsidering. Even though he doesn’t care about me or about women. Even though he’s clearly married to himself. Even though the person I miss has been gone for over a year.

I can’t stop missing that life — that easygoing, contented, slow-paced life of working, playing, talking, gardening, vacationing, understanding.

I can’t stop missing that that person I spent time with, ate dinner with, took to the hospital for surgery, told every detail of my day to.

I can’t figure out why I walked into the kitchen, what people do with the five hours after work, why I’m getting up in the morning, why I’m alive.





7 thoughts on “Withdrawal

  1. I’m thinking about you and hoping you are well. And I’m not the only one. Having your older posts disappear is worrying!

    All I could do after walking away was just keep putting one foot in front of the other until I could feel again. It will come to pass.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. We were together for two thirds of our lives. That’s a lot of time to blank out and move on from. It leaves a big hole. The last two years of our together were a living hell that have put up a big wall between the then of domestic routine and married life and the now. The now where I can walk without stepping on eggshells; concern myself with my life and that of my kids and hear the birds sing again. Two years of anxiety levels at bursting point are all it takes to obliterate decades of memories of a friend I once had, but didn’t really know.

    The day he left, he cried, the kids gave him a gift of things they had made when they were in kindergarten and I turned back to the house and started breathing again.

    Liked by 4 people

      • she really is right.. promise.. just please take care and be extremely kind to yourself meanwhile okay? you are not wrong. youve done everything right. you are not a bad person and its not your fault. im sorry this has happened to you. we can only make the path we’ve been forced onto worthwhile and you are already doing that in a meaningful and powerful way.. honestly you wouldnt believe what this blog potentially means to silenced and fearful women. ..if you manage to switch the lights on for other women, we can survive this. we can fight it together. .. i set out to do whatever i could to stop this happening to other women. i refuse to be silenced.. i used to think social acceptance was the answer, but knowing what i know now, i dont believe that any more.. i believe there will always be Agp predators out there looking for women like us.. and i want to make sure that everyone understands what that means for women and children and how its the main driving force behind todays trans activism, backed up by billionaires and lunatics in wigs and panties.. (and power)

        Liked by 2 people

  3. there arent any words. there is no trite platitude or consolation anyone can offer… except we are here and you are not alone and we understand what you are going through. its a most peculiar and complicated sort of bereavement..with little sympathy for the widow. its not just the hole it leaves in your past present and future,, its the confusion, the re-writing of history, the pennies dropping all over the place, the loss of control and autonomy, the violation of your own identity, sexuality and the indignity and disrespect. the desperation to save the man you love from a lifetime of mockery and ridicule, from fake friends and fake hormones which will end any hope you might have of intimacy – even if you wanted to sexually accommodate this stranger indefinitely in the wrong orientation.., and from irreversible, destructive surgeries which will mean he can never ever return to you .. and you have to ask yourself.. if this ‘woman’ is his true authentic self, what was he before? a liar? he married you knowing he wasnt who he said he was? or has he just suddenly decided he and the rest of the world was wrong all these years? or is he an even bigger lie now? either he was lying when he married you or he’s lying now… which is it? he cant have it both ways… well he can.. but only if both ways are treacherous liars. i hope you get angry real soon, because while anger is not pleasant, this shitty grieving phase is appallingly more painful…. im thinking of you and wishing you strength and fortitude like mad. please know you are not alone. please take good care of yourself… i know this is a trite platitude.. but if you can just find a way to bear it a little while longer.. it will pass. it really will. i never thought it would, it was excruciatingly slow progress, and still is… but it changes and you will find when youve been stripped right down and start to put yourself back together again, that you are a powerful person in your own right… you dont have to prove anything to anyone except yourself – for you own sense of personal integrity.you ddont need to be around anyone who can hurt you and betray you so egregiously and undermine your identity so profoundly for the sake of his own. for the sake of pantyhose and sexual fantasy. your ex is classic Agp… you may have been gaslighted for many years… but through all of this you have stayed solid inside..you know the truth and you remain steadfast in it. thats not to be sniffed at.. its a great start.

    Liked by 2 people

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