My Responsibility to the One I Love

Why don’t I just accept him as a woman, if I’m so miserable?

Because I love him.

Because the beautiful relationship that was everything I cared about, everything I wanted, everything I knew for 15 years, was a relationship built on us loving each other. It ceases to exist if I build it on hate instead. Without love, it’s a habit I’ve decided I don’t want to give up, not a relationship I nurture.

If I agree with him — that he has to die if he isn’t literally a woman — then I have not loved him enough. And I have agreed that there is ever any circumstance in which he should die. And while he hates himself, and tolerates only a modification of himself, and wants me to hate him in kind, I cannot.

If I join him in hating any hair on his body, any curve of his face, any facial pore, any angle of any muscle, then I have not loved him enough. And I have agreed that he isn’t beautiful and perfect. And maybe I’ve appeased him. And maybe I’ve protected my assets and my comfortable existence. But I haven’t loved him enough. If my marriage vows were not made so that I could show him love, what were they for?

If I join the chorus of those saying he might want to alter his perfectly beautiful body with off-label drugs that will damage his internal organs, increase his depression and cause him genital pain, just so he can look like someone else, then I have not loved him enough. And I have agreed that what he looks like now isn’t acceptable and must be changed. And I have agreed that his body is worthless and must be harmed.

If I ever agree that he might have his genitals cut off, rearranged, impaired in functioning, good lord, I have lost my moral compass and certainly my ability to love.

Perhaps I could save my marriage by agreeing with him, if marriage is a piece of paper and uninterrupted cohabitation. But that marriage would come at the cost of choosing hate over love. For me, marriage is nothing if it is not love.



9 thoughts on “My Responsibility to the One I Love

  1. I am reading your entire blog right now. I cannot imagine what you are feeling but you express yourself with such eloquence and power I find myself very moved. As I can see no one has commented I simply wanted to say that I think you are very brave to open yourself to the world like this and to say I wish you the best and hope you find what you clearly miss so dearly. This is one of the most beautiful meditations on love and loss I have read. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, your words resonate with me so much. It takes a long time to untangle the bonds, stop blaming yourself and start looking forward to a life on your own terms. It is possible to go from love to freedom without hate. You have to put yourself first. You haven’t put these impossible demands into the equation that is your relationship; and your priority now is to yourself.

    I remember a stage when he had removed every hair from his body, when he smelled so artificial; a mixture of exfolliant, moisturiser and estrogen cream. I wanted to vomit. I remember going to watch my son at soccer practise and breathing in the heady sweat of sweat and testosterone and wanting to stay immersed in their self assurance, in their masculinity.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So “love” is, for you, an insistence on the person being the way YOU like them, not the way THEY like them?

    How is it different from the “love your gay children by getting them to conversion therapy” line?

    You either love them THE WAY THEY SEE THEMSELVES, or not at all. The latter, in your case (as opposed to parents), is a valid choice. Divorce is legal, and i being illegal was always an atrocity, for a reason. People change.

    You loved your spouse the way they were before. They changed and you ceased to love them, choosing “your people” (which does not include them) over them. You have this right. They made their “intimate choice defining identity and beliefs” (Obergefell decision), you made yours. All is fair.

    But pretending your decision is out of “love” for your spouse is right there with the fundies. It may be out of love for yourself, for your ideology, for your “sex class” – but not for your spouse, because it rejects a key part of them.


    • Ramendik, the only person who has no love is the trans persons, who has to create a figment of their imagination, to feel complete. There is no real condition, except the self loathing due to childhood traumas and an environment that is loaded with endocrine disruptors. No woman bargained for this optimal betrayal, she fell in love with a man, a man who promised to love her, not the avatar he created, a figment of his desire. This middle age crisis that is taking our planet hostage is gone way to far. These men are cowards, if they knew they had a problem, they should never had married. I am sorry, I was under the same delusion as a once trans identified individual, who has seen way to many tragedies from this infliction, an addiction and love of the self image created, in no way should be celebrated nor enabled.


  4. Pingback: Recovering Trans Addict | Mark Angelo Cummings Life Lessons
  5. Great blog thank you for speaking out, if you ever wanted to take part in our show we would love to have you. There needs to be more voices like yours out there. We are hoping to educate about the real facts of this condition.


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